MY LOVE

 

Baby, guess what??? I had a blog. I remember I once used to actively blog. Well, I wouldn't say actively. But, I started it at a dark time. It was quite interesting. I even had some inputs when I was experiencing good days. Then suddenly, I stopped. But, I've decided to write this one. I want you to have this blog to yourself. It's a part of me, so I want you to always find the sweet words I thought of you. The words dedicated to my boyfriend. 

You make me feel like I belong. Like a part of something, a part of you. And, I always anticipate just talking to you. The best part of my day. 

I know you might be wondering why I chose sunflowers under the sunset. Have you ever smelled a sunflower? They smell so sweet. And, I wanna take your mind on a trip, so buckle up. 

Now, imagine it's a warm day. It's not exactly a comfortable kind of warm, but it is also not too hot. It's warm enough to make you sweat a little though. Then, the sun is almost setting. There's a whole breeze in the air. Trees and flowers surrounding. And the sun that's melting away is heating up these sunflowers. And the air is filled with a sweet scent, and you just wanna savour that feeling... 

That is what you make me feel. You make me feel so much calmness and peace all at once. Especially when we're alone together. You're like the piece I needed just for the day to get right. It didn't need to be a whole day. It didn't need to be a full day for it to be the best day ever. And that's just because I've met you. You complete my incomplete pieces and shape my thinking. Going into deep conversation with you feels lovely. 

So when I say you impact my life, I mean every aspect of my life. Every bit of myself is evolving to fully accommodate you. To fully understand you. To fully be with you. And I can't wait for that day, when we both have each other forever. That day we finally live with each other. That day, will be the happiest day of my life. Summing up the happy days I already share with you. 

You are the love of my life. My lover. My very own boyfriend. I love you. 

Our love is forever, always has been, and it sure always will be. 

Shall we?

 

First things first. I am very sorry. I took a pretty long break didn't I? I gave my passion away for too long. But, here I am now. Did you miss me? Cause I sure as hell missed writing. So what are we writing about today?

It is the cliche for me. I have to hijack the show for a while if you'd let me. I have been sick. I was in bed for about 12 days? Well, until I could move around a bit. So during this period, ...how about I just take my writing style back.

Variety is what took over. Believe me. I had so much to think about. One of the perks of being an overthinker, is you really never run out of things to question. It's always a conversation up there. Well, thinking out loud wouldn't even do it justice. So what are some of the things that crossed my mind.

Myself. Where I am. What I stand for. How happy am I. Am I really really okay or is it a facade? Can I promise myself not to expect. Am I expecting already. I was. I did. I definitely was. So why was I? 

I wrote it sometime today that I am in a hurry. Like, say when I started working out. I was like sure, by the time September gets here, I'll be solid. I forgot it's a process. I forgot things aren't always smooth. So why am I in a hurry in this journey called life? 

You might be reading and wondering why is being in a hurry so bad. Why am I insisting? It's cause, I am alive. Hmm. Here is Monday. Why am I thinking about October 20th 2021 when here lies Monday. Here is a new day. Here is 3rd April. What about 3rd April? Will I just be a ghost. And totally disregard that the sun is shining, there's gonna be food at some point, there's music to listen to, there's today to enjoy. There's me being a totally amazing person. And no one can take that from me... so why is October 20th 2021 too impatient. I'll cross that bridge when I get there. This is the point I'm trying to put across.

Another thing that was playing a part in my thoughts was this whole GBV issue. I mean huh? Are we that shallow really? Like is this something to argue about also? Is this something to form insults around? Let's just think about it from the perspective of just being human. Why would you want to disturb someone else's peace? Why? Why would you want to give someone a broken leg. I mean at least once you've sprained your leg and I know it didn't feel pretty. So why. Why do you want someone to go through that which yourself wouldn't be able to handle? 

I mean sure yeah, let's point fingers shall we? Don't talk to strangers. Sure, that was the poem even when we were toddlers going to school. Okay, dress down. Hmm?? Really? Dress down. Okay sawa. Dress down. Don't accept drinks that you're not paying for? Don't. In fact, if you do, you lose rights to your dignity. So don't. Don't go to people's houses. Okay sawa. So now? What's left. What is really left. You've literally stripped down the mere freedom of existing from that person. Weren't we all strangers at some point? Not unless you wanna put it in some twisted way where we're related. 

So, what about it. Since when did being a dignified human come with conditions. And rules. And ideals. Ati immediately you spend you can use another person to your fill. I mean, there are some people who will do that for you no questions asked and you'll pay them. Anyway. The more I think about it, the more I grit my teeth. I just wish people could see that being a little human doesn't make you a lesser person.

Comes to the tip. Haha, love. This thing bana. Crazy. I mean, it would be nice to love someone and receive the same. Then get to do all the things you have at the back of your heads together. But then again it's such a difficult thing to find. Most especially this one called unconditional love. Just bliss. Just 2 people completely nuts for each other. 2 people complementing each other. 2 people making life worth living. Well, look at me, a hopeless romantic. But these tides we're riding, I must say. Heavy stuff. 

Lakini sisi naniiiiiii. Who are weeee??? We are achievers. What do we do? We gerrit. Everything has timing. Even those things that you wanna rush. Like being rich. Darn. Everything has timing. Luckily, God keeps us around long enough to get to them. Don't you think you deserve at least, at least hope? Yeah don't kill it. So shall we? 

HUH????

 

I mean exactly. Huh? Like what was that? Like what in the hell was that? Well before I get all dramatic. Before I start mnyambuliko was vitenzi. I think this was where we were supposed to apply those funny Swahili way of speech we were taught. 

It's been a minute, right? Well here I am. Here I am in dee flesh writing after being away for a long while. 

So why,... huh? 

Well you see. Things have been pretty crazy in my life. But I choose not to share. Because where's the fun in that? So. Things have been typically crazy for me this January. Azin. Bro. 

2020 WASN'T HALF THIS BAD. 2020 WAS A FUCKING BREEZE PEEPS. BREEEZZEEE!!!

Why am I being overly dramatic? It's cause I've never felt this much since I don't know when. Tihihi. Yeps. Its been crazy, real, damn, huge emotional rollercoaster. Ah. 

Lakini strong strong tupo!! Jeshi!!

So. What actually made me write this time round was. I am surprised by how mean people can be. Like yo? Hujui jokes. Hujui kurelax siste.

 Wozzup. Wozzpopinn.

I mean. What's so wrong about a girl's inability to do one thing. I mean. Before you go ahead and judge. Show me how you control your flaws. Show me the puppeteer that you are. Show me how you manipulate everything into going your way. Show me your billions. 

I mean. Billionaires are entitled to egos. I mean. They could buy off your whole street. 

But who are you? Why does someone else's peaceful existence have to include you? 

Don't be selfish!!!!!

Relax. 

Let's be realistic. Half the insecurities we make fun of from other people, belong to us. And what are you doing Kings and Queens? Why are we making it so hard to breath when we could just breath. We don't need those inhalers peeps. Why should someone control the air you breath?

Ah! These selfish hypocrites hiding behind religion. I mean. God sees through your shit... you're not so special. The world is supposed to be a better place. Not grounds for being a dictator to someone else's life. What makes you think you're so supreme?

Well. I just wish. Some day. People will stop being bad just because they think it'll make them cooler. And they'll let people go if they only know they're going to hurt them. 

A little peace wouldn't hurt now,  would it?

...

I MEAN, WHY NOT?

I sat here and wondered. Why should I do it anyway? I mean. A man comes. A man goes. Pun most definitely not intended. Have your laugh. It's fine. Really. But, what of you? 

I get it. It's depressing. Most of the time you aren't really crying because of the betrayal. I mean. Let's be real. You miss it. 

But now it's gone. It's... kapoof! Its disappeared.  And you have to start again. You have to go back to square one, only with this so called "heartbreak"

Let's be real. Is it really heartbreak? Well it might feel like a heart break because it just didn't end up with happy smiles and funny titles.

 "Couple goals" if you may. 

But why should that be the end. Honey we've all gotten our "hearts broke" by something. I don't really think I should call that a heartbreak. I call it proof of your chest feeling deep emotions. But feeling sad because it gave them to the wrong person. 

Lemme tell you why I don't believe in heartbreaks. Because the minute you find a good relationship. And settle. Like give it all up. Give up expectations. Give up things like type. And just really listen to your heart. 

I mean, how many of y'all have experienced happiness with a guy but shut him off just because, and Ladies correct me if I'm wrong.,

 "He's not good looking enough for the photos." 

Or

 " my friends are gonna find this hilarious."

Why do you care so much about what people say when your heart is literally exploding inside. Loving men you know are gonna tap the next ass that jiggles. Men who lack respect for women. Men who feel entitled to love while doing nothing but giving dicks to girls who really need their carrots. 

But, even though love feels bitter. Love is really worthit. Because as soon as you get to love someone, you'll forget everything about your heartbreak. Because you've chosen to build a life with this man and he understands that. 

Come on darlings, let's be positive about life. Shall we?

CHANGE

Believe me when I say, changing is the hardest task the minute you get comfortable. But comfortable wasn't ever in the books. It was like an image I seemed to paint in the minds of those who felt frustrated. That I was comfortable being who I was. But, shall we call it psychological? I mean what are the odds you become a totally different person if you tried. But the thrill of the moment is the comfort of the unknown. 

Now, once you're used to a certain way of living, those who pay attention, which is mostly nil most of the time, see you. They see what's going on. But the ones that see you more, are those occasional glances from a person you say hi to if you feel the urge to.

Why though? Because that momentary view of you could stick a particular image of you on them. So what is it that I'm saying. I'm saying that I changed. So abruptly but so beautifully. I'm not sure I've addressed this before but I've been meaning to. So, if you do not mind at all, shall we go for a ride. Let's go visit the person I once was.

Early in the morning I'd wake up feeling like another ugly day has come. Why? I only wanted the day to end and wind up in bed or on the couch munching away. Waiting for morning to go see people hoping it wasn't that day when my overthinking got the better of me. I mean. I used to select what to be sad about that night. Not because it was comfortable, but because it helped feel real. I mean. It was my reality at the time. I'd go to school and have the time of my life with my friends. But then, we weren't glued together 24/7. So here comes the demons riding their way in a tuk tuk. So noisily...so loudly. I think I even used to get indigestion when I ate alone. Wah. It was crazy I'm not gonna lie. And watching people come and go kinda became a normal thing. So I only acted like I tried but in the end it was better as soon as they left. Because now no more expectations.

Then, came a time now. When I decided I was gonna take one long break from reality. I surprised myself. I was like, girl let's see how you're gonna behave when you don't use your phone too much. So I told my mother as soon as we closed school, that I needed a change of actions. So I did. I removed both my lines, put them in a beautiful watch box and just never took them out for 4 beautiful months. I mean the sight of it was just... ç'est magnifique. I had an amazing time having one on one conversations with myself. Well I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the 1-2 notifications. I did. But then I needed to be disciplined. I could've backtracked if I wanted but I didn't. I had both sim cards and I'm the one who kept them away. I had to tell lies here and there but if i didn't take the time off I'd be in bad shape right now.

Now, came the down slip. Corona happened. I was so frustrated. I had kept my weight loss goals in check and I was looking prettier and healthier than ever. But the thing is, i just heard one controversial statement and i slipped up. Then i started postponing. I was like no, let's just get it over with after my birthday passes by. So what did I do, I just ate. The snacks were so many, mmmhhh chocolate. Daamn I never wanted it to end. And mother just kept on providing for lil old me. Then I started the journey again but this time with less conviction. I mean it only took hearing my bro say, "unafanya diet na unaeza kufa na corona" so I fell out. But not for long because I knew enough was enough.

So what happened next was bliss. I just decided to change completely. I got out of bed early in the morning at around 5:00 am and made my bed. And afterwards I'd keep myself busy. Started eating different and working different. Drinking lots of water. And avoiding sadness like the plague. I make sure I start my day dancing to some fire song that I just discovered the previous day. I'd make sure when I was angry or sad, I'd declare, literally, that I was not about to ruin my good moods. And just like that I'd relax my frowning face and just smile the day away. Now all that's left is to change the way I interact with people and stop being afraid of my own skin. 

Change is pretty. If you want it to be. And I want it to continue being beautiful until I blossom into the best version of myself. I've been talking about myself here too much. Well, brushing over the details. Giving you a piece of me, but just enough for it not to be the whole of me. Because I believe everyone is wired differently. But for sure so long as you fight to stay alive feeling good about yourself when you can, then you will get that spark in you that makes you wanna be productive. Always. And you'll smile at the person you've become.

And who wouldn't want that?

What's So Wrong With Heartbreaks?

 

What really makes us feel so bad for allowing ourselves to be heart broken?... I mean. Before I even begin to describe how exactly I feel about heartbreaks. Let's make sure I've said, this is purely my personal opinion. Feel free to be offended but that's on you. I'm all about beauty and happy nowadays. 

So what! He/She said no? He/She got handsy with someone else when you're so taken away by their simple existence? So? MOVE. 

But remember, you're human. And once your heart breaks, then you know you are capable of love. And sure the process of finding it is a little bit harder. But why should you worry? You're living right. And basically it's their loss. I mean. You're a pure gem. Sounds cringy when you read it, but it's just the truth. You've polished yourself to being a person who's capable of love. And as sure as they say, what belongs to you will find you.

Heartbreak, I believe. Creates a new door. Like, step out of it first. Fix yourself. Fix your life. Then, be happy. Because you can. You just have to find it. Cause, as sure as you aren't giving up in the hope of finishing your course despite the many complaints you got piled on. You do not have to give up on love at all.

I know. Sounds like I haven't had it rough. But believe me honey, I've had it once. Falling in love with someone who has someone else, or someone who doesn't wanna ruin your friendship. Even the cringiest of statements. I've heard them all. I mean, it came with the body. But I'm fixing that. See. Heartbreak kinda helps as soon as you heal from it. And choose to learn a thing or 2 about how to take care of yourself. Your image. 

Now. Heartbreaks sure hurt a bunch. They can come in any form. You don't have to get a heartbreak because of a partner. It could even be within the love in a family. The fact that everything screams at you and tells you to leave, but you still stay because you have so much love for your family. Immense. So why give it up? Sure it's kinda toxic. But it's your toxic. And you have to deal. Because you share the blood in your veins. Well, not unless its poisonous.

Now, happiness seems far fetched. But it's in the little things that you grow. Be happy for the little things. Your skin glows. Smile. You get good grades. Smile. You love hard. Smile. And you are an amazing person to live with. Smile. Fun friend. Smile. Be happy for all your little achievements. Then people's opinions will always seem like a blur.

Now I have got loads to say. But even good writers know when to rest their hands. They need to be in good shape for the next good read. 

Bye my sweet readers.😊💜❤

NIGHTS LIKE THESE...

Sometimes, happiness is a choice. I chose it. But that doesn't mean I don't get mad or sad. It just means I choose not to. Because in the end, you are the only one who can help yourself. And I mean this with none other than personal experience. I was always looking for someone to hold on to. Someone who would just tell me everything would be okay. Constantly. But that just doesn't exist in the books anymore.

I had people who cared. But then. People do get tired of your shit. They question if you actually really wanna heal. And the more the questions the more you pile on dirt on yourself. The more you feel like a burden. The more you're drawn to suicide. The more you stop caring about how you look, what you wear, how you take care of yourself. 

People will straight up compare your situation with someone else's. A situation that you've never been in. A situation that isn't going to solve however bad your feeling for yourself. People manifest themselves in ways that they believe are best. Hell if you heard them speak you'd think they won an award in counselling. But what for? They really aren't seeing you. They are just seeing the people they did it for before and for some miraculous reason worked on them.

Now. Who you choose to share your personal problems with are all your decisions to make. And never feel bad about it. They might not understand. But one thing is for sure. You, understand yourself. You do. I mean who better? You have your shoes so definitely you know how much they sting. So find it. Find the strength in yourself to take the shoes off. Because if you believe that no prince charming or princess is coming to take it off you, the lesser the effort to walk towards a fleeting dream it takes.

I've began all this by saying a lot about how people don't care. Because fr they don't. But healing is a process so you do you till you feel like you can breath again. I'm a living breathing testimony that you really can do it. There's some kind of light at the end of this endless dark tunnel. Just trust and you'll definitely find it.

Insecurities pile on. For sure. And believe me people like to associate themselves with people who look good on them. Well at the very least most people do. If you rub them the wrong way. And I mean you could be the kindest and sweetest person ever, but that's not what they see. 

Today, there was a discussion in a group I'm in about brands. And why people buy them. And simply, they wanna look cool. Same case with human association. People wanna look cool hanging out with people who do. And if you just don't fit the description, prepare yourself for discrimination. Well, they might keep you if you don't fit the description because you have something to offer. For instance, cash. You may be a bank to them. They'll take advantage.

Well, there's so much shit to smear on the shitty reality we are living. Which is why what is most of essence, is inner peace. Inner peace. Protect yourself. Protect your heart. Trust your instincts. Move carefully. Don't let people fuck you up. Or mess you up. Live. And I hope with a most sincere heart, that you find happiness.

Bless💜.