IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OKAY...

You see... hear me out. It was never supposed to be like that. Creating a duplicate of yourself and making it into a person. Then watching its steps slowly. Sounds horrendous huh... I decided to be that person. That one that never heals but heals at the same time. I was nonexistent between the little fantasies I had created for myself.

In front of people who I cherished the most, I was myself. You'd be surprised by how short the list is. And I enjoyed every bit of it. But chaos doesn't really sit well with calm. It was  more of drain inside the storm... more of calm was just a word I passed by in the dictionary.

Hey... hope you didn't forget I said it's not supposed to be okay... because it really isn't. All the experiences I've been through, they scream and they shout and they tell me to give up. They tell me enough is enough and so is your existence. But charm from the few even those tiny conversations give me life and I can be better than the voice.

Experience. Fear. Abstinence. Pain. Positive??? Nahh positive kinda died when I got to this world. Hell I think I cried a day or 2. I guess all the negatives kind of piled on and made me into a sorry human. But at least not a shitty one. Damn I'm good. I don't really like fighting but I am well put and i can keep an intellectual and deep conversation with the people close to me. Hell i make strong bonds...or as I'd like to think i chose to think like that.

But that doesn't wipe away the fact that my past is a strong leg tie. Something that i drag around as i walk. No this cannot be described by an image. Because it is my soul in sight. I want to be able to say things without feeling sorry to the eyes that might judge. The eagles waiting to soar high with my biggest insecurities. The "cool kids".

But intelligence was also something I considered myself to have. So I fought hard for where I belonged. Even though the fight seemed weak... I was convinced. I was going to win.

But like i said.  My past held on to my foot so hard I had a permanent scar. And for a second of a drug high feeling, it let go. And guess what... it felt good. At the time it did...and yes I wanna believe in the notion that sang " The past is the past...focus on the present". But that was a luxury that I couldn't afford. It was a currency that existed in my dreams.

So it's  not okay to be okay when you're not. It's not okay to feel like you have the answers but all you have is the echo of a thousand bullies. Kindness is rare but its sweet and if it wasn't yours... you yearn for it. It's not okay to say you're okay when your heart is crying...

It's not okay to succumb to the need of approval. It's sad and the issue is not you... it's the people around you for not noticing. And for noticing and ignoring it. You matter and I say again it is definitely okay not to be okay. At least now I'm sure I'm not...