Believe me when I say, changing is the hardest task the minute you get comfortable. But comfortable wasn't ever in the books. It was like an image I seemed to paint in the minds of those who felt frustrated. That I was comfortable being who I was. But, shall we call it psychological? I mean what are the odds you become a totally different person if you tried. But the thrill of the moment is the comfort of the unknown.
Now, once you're used to a certain way of living, those who pay attention, which is mostly nil most of the time, see you. They see what's going on. But the ones that see you more, are those occasional glances from a person you say hi to if you feel the urge to.
Why though? Because that momentary view of you could stick a particular image of you on them. So what is it that I'm saying. I'm saying that I changed. So abruptly but so beautifully. I'm not sure I've addressed this before but I've been meaning to. So, if you do not mind at all, shall we go for a ride. Let's go visit the person I once was.
Early in the morning I'd wake up feeling like another ugly day has come. Why? I only wanted the day to end and wind up in bed or on the couch munching away. Waiting for morning to go see people hoping it wasn't that day when my overthinking got the better of me. I mean. I used to select what to be sad about that night. Not because it was comfortable, but because it helped feel real. I mean. It was my reality at the time. I'd go to school and have the time of my life with my friends. But then, we weren't glued together 24/7. So here comes the demons riding their way in a tuk tuk. So noisily...so loudly. I think I even used to get indigestion when I ate alone. Wah. It was crazy I'm not gonna lie. And watching people come and go kinda became a normal thing. So I only acted like I tried but in the end it was better as soon as they left. Because now no more expectations.
Then, came a time now. When I decided I was gonna take one long break from reality. I surprised myself. I was like, girl let's see how you're gonna behave when you don't use your phone too much. So I told my mother as soon as we closed school, that I needed a change of actions. So I did. I removed both my lines, put them in a beautiful watch box and just never took them out for 4 beautiful months. I mean the sight of it was just... รง'est magnifique. I had an amazing time having one on one conversations with myself. Well I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the 1-2 notifications. I did. But then I needed to be disciplined. I could've backtracked if I wanted but I didn't. I had both sim cards and I'm the one who kept them away. I had to tell lies here and there but if i didn't take the time off I'd be in bad shape right now.
Now, came the down slip. Corona happened. I was so frustrated. I had kept my weight loss goals in check and I was looking prettier and healthier than ever. But the thing is, i just heard one controversial statement and i slipped up. Then i started postponing. I was like no, let's just get it over with after my birthday passes by. So what did I do, I just ate. The snacks were so many, mmmhhh chocolate. Daamn I never wanted it to end. And mother just kept on providing for lil old me. Then I started the journey again but this time with less conviction. I mean it only took hearing my bro say, "unafanya diet na unaeza kufa na corona" so I fell out. But not for long because I knew enough was enough.
So what happened next was bliss. I just decided to change completely. I got out of bed early in the morning at around 5:00 am and made my bed. And afterwards I'd keep myself busy. Started eating different and working different. Drinking lots of water. And avoiding sadness like the plague. I make sure I start my day dancing to some fire song that I just discovered the previous day. I'd make sure when I was angry or sad, I'd declare, literally, that I was not about to ruin my good moods. And just like that I'd relax my frowning face and just smile the day away. Now all that's left is to change the way I interact with people and stop being afraid of my own skin.
Change is pretty. If you want it to be. And I want it to continue being beautiful until I blossom into the best version of myself. I've been talking about myself here too much. Well, brushing over the details. Giving you a piece of me, but just enough for it not to be the whole of me. Because I believe everyone is wired differently. But for sure so long as you fight to stay alive feeling good about yourself when you can, then you will get that spark in you that makes you wanna be productive. Always. And you'll smile at the person you've become.
And who wouldn't want that?
