THE SUN SET

Don't you just love a red sky. The way it looks when it touches your skin. Staring into the big blue ocean. This is one of the reasons I love Coast. Because, there's so much beauty in between the chaos. Have you been to the coast? It's mostly beautiful memories with some really major sun burns if you don't  care for your skin. But this...this is not about the beach. It's about a sun set. About the sky turning red. For a couple of minutes...hours if you're lucky. To the dark sea that's ready to turn into darkness. Sun set. How the sun hides in between the clouds creating horizons that make you feel warm. But, there's always the cold gaze of the sea. Black but beautiful. And I can't  help but wonder... is this how life is supposed to be. Can I get you into my mind a little bit... promise not to show you the black hole.

You're born. You have this great family that's there to welcome you. Cause if you think about it... water begins in droplets. Then droplets settle together to form one big blue. Ocean, sea, river, dam, fall, anything you see in the form of water. So it's a family. And that's exactly how family is when you're a baby. Everything is perfect.

You see how the sea has a beautiful blue in a clear slightly cloudy sky. It looks... I think I should show you.

That is exactly how I see it. Something that's calm.  That's how your first days are.
Then you have to grow up and go through some major storms. I mean. Getting picked on in school. Failing in some of your good parts...like studies. The noise. The insults on both ends. You want to avoid it all because you can't leave. Leaving means defeat and you've come too far to get defeat. But the storms are raging everything feels empty.

Clearly... you hate it. You have to rock both sides. You have to please society and maintain sanity when dealing with demanding people. People who are supposed to supposedly walk with you. It gets tiring
Then you grow somewhat mature. You "come into the world". Damn, I hated that phrase. What you mean...was I living under a rock all these years? I mean... I know I was breathing...come on I was walking back and forth. You saw me. I know you did. So you have to remind yourself that they have a heart and good memory and one day they might reform. But days get colder and sometimes you just turn to ice. Cold as the weather.
But it's not always dull. It's not always crazy. Sometimes the sun sets. That burning hot feel...that tanning hot. That eye tear that's in a dry eye. The sweat. It fades when the sun sets. Because the sun... gets to give us a little warmth even when our days are feeling colder. There's that warmth. And I wouldn't die for anything because when you get that warmth. You can finally breath and live.
You can cut out the bull... say fuck to the people who dont see value in you...do you...kill em with kindness till their souls get cut off. Do it. Just don't lose yourself in the demise. Because demise can get cooler sometimes. And I dont mean colder...I mean flex. Haha...like the chill kinda weather. Like a sun set...you dig?

SURVIVOR

Can we just...
breath for a minute.
Experience... is a teacher... but it's not the best teacher because that would mean I deserved it. Being strong at a young age was something I needed to be. Being someone who feels instant emotion. Being someone who kills the emotion instantly. Being alive. Because being alive helps maintain the sanity. Not for you though. For all the others.
You know having to see your heart torn to pieces makes you yearn for it. See a bully and instead of retreating... you listen to it bark and watch it  bite and all you can do is stay still. To survive... you need to survive.
I believe in the funny side of seeing it all... but you should never wish to see it all...especially not in the centre. Feeling used. Like the tool and the fool you became because they said... maybe, you came. Then in rushes the storm.
You see how you jump a hurdle and land in quick sand. Then luckily a hand pulls you out then you slide off into a big pile of sharp rocks. That's how it is being a survivor.  Because the energy to fight is put into the energy to survive.
I was never born to be hostile. Hostility was my biggest fear and now I just welcome it. Why? Because... hostility gets you a name. Not a frame. Being the girl who's getting judged like the paintings in an art gallery. Some find you okay but others think you were spat out and 1 out of 10 times they are right. Are you that 1????
But surviving means one day they will realise that you stopped caring and thats when they will believe the insults hurled at you like hot rocks on a burning body, killed you. Well not physically because your heart is beating... but because you quit caring. You stopped wondering and you just let things be without feeling any kind of fear.
Surviving isn't nice though. Its colourful I'll give you that because you always get those 20 people reminding you how strong you are. But tbh...I don't like hearing those words. You're strong. I don't wanna be strong honey...I want that shoulder to cry on when the world feels heavy...not some suppressed log in the throat and going to bed on sedatives. Because of the headache that's killing you.
But surviving is important if it's your only option. At least you finally get to breath when you stay away from the bullshit. And find awesome people to complement your not so perfect life. Damn... I would've wrote lie. But like they say ...fake it till you make it.
 Puff the smoke... down the shots... dance it off... sing it out... dread the tears...drown the fears... kill the essence... make it flawless and just be yourself. Because you never left you at any point...and most importantly because you survived.

CHOCOLATE

I'd have made it fancy because chocolate is a gift. But then again... chocolate is the color of my skin. And my skin is fancy. Why? Because we stand out. You know. When anybody a little color-less sees you...they see a petty little thief. But isn't chocolate smooth. As smooth as our skin. Chocolate is sweet. Being black is beautiful. I mean... you can chill in the sun. And not get tanned. You only get to be darker and I think that that's beautiful. But then chocolate is also prone to melting. When you flame up chocolate... it melts. So this is the story of a bar of chocolate.

School was amazing. You know... she stood out. Ella did. She had beautiful big brown eyes and was a fine curvy well cultured woman. Cause you know... she became mature at a young age. So color was her nickname. Because if you get black ink on a white dress...hey... it stands out.. right??? So Ella goes to school with a beautiful smile. And you know what. Her smile was brown because of her lips. Brown like the skin of a male strong German Shepherd. She was beautiful. Oh my the number of teachers that wanted her in their class. The number of friends that lined up. But then you know something about colour...is it stains. And who likes a stain huh?


Came the teacher in class and started those bad jokes about how back home... she lived in a cave and maybe the only school she's been too was sponsored by some activist. And that's when colour felt like that little stain on a white shirt that could become irritating. Then came the tiny mistakes like being the only one with complete assignments. The only one with good language skills. And that became an issue. Those who lined up cancelled out beauty and placed colour inside. Colour felt sad. Colour melted. Just....just like chocolate melts.

I'll spare the gory details cause racism isn't going away. Generations will come and insecurity will still be a problem. The beauty of being chocolate is when you become cold you become strong. And you go back to being bold beautiful and loved by even those who wanted to ruin you. Because...chocolate...even when it melts. It still tastes good. And no one... ever gives up on chocolate. Because chocolate is where we belonged.

Take a deep breath... will you? I know some of you didn't. But it doesn't matter because...this narrative will make it clear to you what depression feels like. If you know the feeling...maybe I'll get a few nods... maybe... If yours has gotten to this extreme. But hey... I'm not trying to bring you fear. I'm trying to make it all clear.

You know the constant emotion of... "what is it that I am?"
" hey...you know what...maybe they're right?".

Cause mama echoed and dug the deep holes that dried up. The tears that stopped flowing. Not because everything is okay... but because mama believes you're lazy. And you know the notion that they are always right. But I'm not here to talk about mama... I'm here to talk about depression. And I'll kick it off with a story perhaps. Are you ready... emotional darlings let's delve into the situation. Deeper. Right to the core of it all. All its essence and all its ugly... you know...really ugly.
Imagine waking up. And you get a whiff of your image on a mirror. Then you just step back. You take a big look at yourself because hey...you dreamt of demise. Because sadness was where you felt comfortable. Because sad is glad. And because glad is all sad felt... sad ruled. Sad became you and sad became your best bud. So you look at that mirror and you die. Spooky huh? No I mean. You are so disappointed at how you've ended up. But then you're like...they said it's fine to feel broken. Makes you a responsible bitch. Not a demonic one ready to pounce.

Then you step out with your really great earphones...hey a witch's got to flex sometimes.
And you take your daily fast stroll to school and you're like... "oh fuck... I got to socialise today so that I don't look like a bitch." No.  Believe me I got some amazing friends. You just never wanna stop talking to them...but the situation was a blur. It was one of those days when sad and I needed to be alone. Me and my best bud feeling it all. Dont get me wrong I'm a huge fan of sad... wanna know why??? Because sad is reality. Sad knows that if they make a comment like ....yoo shes so big...or yooo shes got mad insecurities...sad tells me that hey they really aren't that wrong. Not because I'm feeling pity for myself, but because half the words in their heads are like a toned down bit of all the insults my mind shouts in my head everyday like a fucking goddamn tape on repeat....breeeeeaaattthhhhh!!!!!! Breath... because this is just a whiff of what a shitty brain I have. But hey sometimes lil shitty can become a great conversation sparked... I know right...so darn glam... but hey today it's all about the depression.
Depression is always carrying a hard lump in your throat because of the things you've experienced in life. The pain and the torment of echoing memories. Memories that don't seem to see you trying so hard to get rid of them...but shit's like throwing a boomerang. The worst kind of pain is when your whole body is numb and your eyes are burning cause you want to cry but then you slowly swallow that feeling because you are numb. And you just make fucked up decisions like finishing a whole bottle of rum with no chaser and smoking blunts back to back till your voice gets hoarse.
That feeling when you're arguing with the one that you love and you feel them cutting the thread of hope you have in them in very big steps. And the little deadly jokes made in between your biggest fears and regrets.

But hey too much of sad isnt going to do any of us good. So I'm just going to highlight that being depressed isn't pretty. And as much as you come at people who are depressed claiming they want it for themselves then clearly you do not know what is going on in their heads 24/7. The pain and the feeling you have God knows where to someone who's laughing his ass off to a meme somewhere. To someone having a beautiful relationship somewhere. To someone who has it all. To someone who just...

Anyway. Depression is not a game. It's a disease. If you find a friend or someone failing from this disease....hold their hands and make them feel loved.... God knows they deserve this. They deserve love. Give it to them and just be there for them and they will be so grateful. They will love and adore every bit of help they get.

DEPRESSION IS REAL... It can come for you anytime so be happy if you do not get a visit...

BREATH, MAYBE?

Casie... I know y'all her fans huh. Well you know how occasionally the things you experience in life influence you? She knew it all. The eye rolls... the stares. And well, you know... the occasional pat on the back...claiming strength. But it was not okay. One time lucky...two times lessons...three times empty. You know that thread that you want to bead up and give life. Give colour...shape.. yeah she was way past that. The strength of a million compliment wasn't that strong in her mind.  All but wonder is what she thought of. But mommy dearest should help Cassie cast out the cast in her body. The mummifying cloth wraps around her body that needed to be sewn. The belief that an ear to plead with was present... but was it?
You know those times when you want to just... be there. You know. They lived together, might as well act like it huh...! Huh? But then there's  an extent to a joke. And those jokes went on too far... hey let's cut the pace a bit and bring it back to where it all started. But then that's a whole other story so...why not proceed...right?
So alcohol is a beautiful dream only with major consequences the next day. And having complete knowledge about it and still taking the leap of faith is monstrous. Hell I believe its badass. But Casey never cared. She did it all. In fact she downed her own little...'quota'  bottle not just once...but three times maybe. Everyone stared.
Wow....how could a girl even. Why would she. She brought herself up on her feet...climbed upon a chair and went to the top of the table and she whispered very loudly to her housemates...

"You know what???? I was raped...!!!"


She then let out the most excruciating painful laughters  in a span of a minute. The  she held her breath and said...


"Did you hear me??? I'm suffocating".


They all looked at her like she was mad. A mad woman but what she was was terrified. She was lost in the abyss of her tormenting mind. She was there with all the questions and it ate her up and she puked. But... her housemates.. spoon fed her all her vomit and gave it to her raw..

"So what's that got to do with us...I mean you only refused a good time handed out to you"

I mean Casey couldn't believe her ears. I mean I don't. Do you?
Casey sat back down and ordered a glass of the good bad stuff and all it tasted like was regret and wonder. Am I an actual person? Did they hear me really?

Hey... do you?

THE PAINFUL TRUTH

THE PAINFUL TRUTH
Happy? Elated? Excitement? These are all feelings you get when you are with the man you want to love right? She had them. All of them. That feeling of having someone who wants you back but hey, he doesn't do labels. Labels are sooo demanding. We can do it all only... we aren't really together. We are just...you know...friends who vibe. But that's not what she felt. She wanted more but she could only keep it to herself. He always brought it up when he asked her to sit on his lap. He always asked if she wanted more but she had to play the game. And maintain her sanity. So she always answered, "Well, I don't know, what do you think" but for some reason, he always planted kisses before she could hear his sentiments. The excited feeling of having your crush plant kisses on your lips made her feel like she was where she belonged. You see the judgements were kept to a bare minimum. Aside from the occasional bad jokes that can actually hurt. But those were rare... at least.. I believe her. So she marvelled at what a wonderful interior hiding over all that negative exterior. How he really felt. But it was toxic. Toxic to the core because a moment's happiness felt so hopeless because of what was bound to happen. I mean... she didn't see it coming. It just. Happened. So she became brave one day and little Casey stamped a case. She brought him to her house. Amidst her parents missing and... her brother sleeping. So he came and he hid in her room. And in between words he kissed her. Oh those lustful lips. That tender heaven. That... moment's happiness. Intense..huh. Well the narrative continued. They kissed and he didnt even at any time make her feel uncomfortable. And that's when she planted herself right into the cheese trap. Poor little Casey...oh what have you done!!!! So one day came and it was the holidays and here came the chance to be with the one who gave her butterflies. It was a long day for Casey believe me... I mean... all the exhaustion from travelling but still sat 2 hours to a place with the man who makes her knees go weak. Numb. So she went into the house and you know...did the occasional drug roll. And happy that she found solace in a very bad boy who just wore his disguise with a wonderful interior. So she was tired. And she needed some rest but what she didn't know was Roy was done resting. He was done being in a hot smelly sweaty suit. He wanted out. He needed out at least he wanted to cum. So she... closed her eyes and little she had a pat on her shoulder and she turned to face the man of her dreams. More like the man of her nightmare and there... she snapped. She kissed his wet lips.. but they weren't wet enough to make her wet. And just as she thought she was done... he grabbed her!Pulled her by the waist... took it all off... happened in a goddamn flash... BOOOMMMM!!!! Her smile started peeling off...

What are you doing???
Why are you doing this???
Hey could you stop!!!
Hey that hurts!!!
Hey that's painful!!!
Wait!!!
No!!!!
Leave me alone!!!
I trusted you!!!
Why!!!

He just rocked his hips like a mad dog and he devoured every inch of her living thread. He...ruined her. She stared at him cause her voice was melting. And... he just...came. he groaned so loudly but she... cried! She shed so many tears and... she couldn't think anymore. She stood up...and God help me took a puff of her blunt. And she walked out. She staggered away to the cars and waited for the car to run. She... her heart was crying out and her tears were drying up...


Should I live???...