CONVERSATIONS IN THE DARK

So my  main characters are my demons and I.

My demons: Hi Blvck. I've always liked that name. It makes, you and I blend. Catch my drift?

Blvck: Oh no!? :/ What do you want now!??

My demons: Oh Blvck darlings you don't have to look so sad. I thought you were used to me by now. Because, you know, you kinda suck.

Blvck: I know I do but I don't need you to remind me every single day.

My demons: oh come on honey you know this is exactly how it is. You know that you just cant keep your mind off things. You always bounce back when you see me. You kinda like it here...

Blvck: Come on! You think I like it here. You see I don't know if  something is messing with my head or not. I dont know I'm gonna be alive that long. But choosing to live like this. You think it's a choice and I admire you for that. Because you are what is eating me up.

My demons: come on. I'm sure you're used to it. I kinda like you like this. You know... pathetic and sad. And it's alarming because I just got you from a wonderful night. You had the chance to share your problems. You had the chance to be happy but I ate you didn't I!!

Blvck: I wish you didn't create the hvrt in me. But you're right about one thing. I lost a chance. But I bet I'm gonna create it again. Bet!!!!

My demons: Oh please honey, you???? You mean YOU... HAHA oh Lord you're being serious. You need to get a hold of the situation. You fuck up. Big time. So many times. You have no idea how many people pity you from a distance. Hell you don't even look that ideal.

Blvck: Will you fucking shut upppppp!!!!!!!

My demons: Guess you should do us all a favour and kill yourself!!! I mean what good is it that you got to offer. What!!???? A kind heart. What??? Generosity....or what is it???!! Huh??? FORGIVENESS!!! Haha bitch you must be crazy. Hell you're listening to me. You're a fucked up person.

Blvck: Listen here bitch it's not like I don't know. It's  just, sometimes...

My demons: Apapap... nah honey...no more excuses. You're just a sorry ass bitch who needs to learn when to give up. You need to let go!!! You're worthless. Take a chill and a pill or 2. You need to loosen up. Maybe try 10 and sleep for eternity.

Blvck: Will you please leave me alone???? I'm tired...

IT BURNS

I was supposed to come up with some... metaphorical story for you. Some fantasy. But my blog is about pain. So let me serve it to your raw. I want you to have a taste of what authentic pain is.

You see, you're born into what society calls, a perfect family. People see the cars you had when all that was present was tiny. People see the phone. People smell the scent. People see the outlook. But people more often than not... side line the person. The person isn't there. It's a shadow. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe it's a human with too much garbage going on. Everywhere. And I mean everywhere.

You see being happy is always an option. No beauties of the world. Brothers and sisters this is what we call dictatorship. Where the society was the dictator and the families were the enforcers. Ever wondered how it felt to be surrounded by pain.

You're lucky if you were young to have been allowed to go out and play. Better you who'd go out to socialise. I was locked down. I lived in a shell for 17 good great years of my life. I knew no one outside and no one outside knew me. Except for that one time. There was normally that one time. When the outside world becomes present. I mean... I finally lay foot in town...and I'm not talking Nairobi. I lay foot in Ngong town. Without the presence of my mother.

But this was before the accident. Bet you didn't see that coming. I almost died. Dear blvck tasted a near death experience. That movie scene that gives you a big sigh because the protagonist didn't die. I felt it. But I came back thinking like Jeff Colby in Dynasty. And there it hit me. I thought that life was gonna get better because you know, I survived death. 

All the bullying I experienced in the early years of my life. I knew it was all over. But mama no. Mama the bullying i went through wasn't physical. They didn't cut me or bruise me physically. No mama they tortured me. They tortured my mind. They made sure I got the memo that I meant nothing. Mama they killed my will to have confidence in myself. 

And that's where it started. The dreaded suicide thoughts. Jesus... please accept those souls in heaven because you saw how humans can be. You felt the pain. You have to understand. Suicide isn't a choice. It's a gun to the head because of mental issues. Because of your darkest demons. But people naively call suicidal people stupid. Fuck you for being ignorant. I hope God touches your soul and you really get to be human. Suicide might hurt both parties...but the demons inside the head of your children, friends and family killed them. And where were you??? Huh. 

You see people come up with long statuses of how bad it hurts....but it's considered attention giving. But when booze, weed or some local free party comes up... y'all lined up with your RIPs and love emojis yet ignoring was your best suit. God I fear the people who show love upon death. That shows the degree of pity they had for you. Which is close to nil. 

But people don't care. Whether it's a rape or 2, or it's a broken abusive relationship. No! People don't  care if it's a slap on the cheek or a whisper in your ear. People don't care if you're crying, blood shot eyes cause maybe you're too much to handle. 

I'm bad at checking up on people. Because that's not something I was taught growing up. It was all you have to be perfect. You have to be this...you have to be that. Growing around negativity kind of does that to you. And trying to be apologetic because of it is just nuts. 

You weren't there were you. Were you in me to feel how it felt. Did you ask??? Oh...she must be lying. I guess it's normal for a fat person to go through that. I mean did you see her. Yo, you need to work out... not because it's "healthy" but because I need a trophy I can represent. 

Goddamnit I said it. Being ghosted because of how you look sucks. But trauma builds up like drops of water in a gutter into a bucket. It fills and fills and finally overflows. And that's the exact same feeling I have at the moment. The ability to keep things locked up in your mind kills you from inside and suicide feels like a way out. Damn. It's like keeping people away from food for a month. Y'all need to watch "The Platform" if you can stand gruesome. 

I get triggers but this one kinda triggered my heart. So I'm gonna have to go away for a while and heal. I took the blow big time this time guys. Like I said back there on my status. I really wanna give you a clear picture but my mind gets fuzzy at times and now I'm just not in the right position  to explain the pain I am undergoing. So bye. Until I see you or you see me. Or I get back sooner.

RECOGNITION

Well, what can I say? I'm simply happy for this, for today, for the reasons i am posting this blog today. Recognition happened. A pair of eyes acknowledged my piece of work and decided to nominate me for the Liebstar Award. A pair of eyes belonging to the renowned, well put and intellectual writer, Mumba Chome. Famously recognized in the writing world as the owner of this blog; https://tuongeekiasi.wordpress.com/author/remmychome44/ .

So what is the Liebstar Award you may ask. It is a platform where bloggers recognize fellow bloggers and give them a thumbs up for their intellectual pieces. And well I for one just feel blessed for this. I remember one friend suggesting the idea to me. The idea of becoming a writer. I brushed it off at first because you know, ignorance is a thing in society and people just do not feel the need to engage in reading anymore. But someone read, was impressed and thought of me when they came across the award. Thank you "mtu wangu wa madays" , I'm always grateful for you. I just hope more people would indulge in reading because well, it is refreshing and it's a culture we should take care of. Hopefully it won't disappear as the years go by because I for one won't stop.

For the rules to follow once nominated for the Liebstar Award:
1. Thank the Blogger that nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
2. Answer the questions given to you.
3. Share 11 facts about yourself.
4. Nominate 5-11 bloggers.
5. Ask your nominees 11 questions.
6. Notify then once you have uploaded your post.

ANSWERS TO MUMBA CHOME'S QUESTIONS:

1. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN NO ONE IS WATCHING?
Interesting question. I love music a lot. So when no one is watching, I blast the speakers and dance around every corner of the house. It makes me really happy and since I can be crazy without anyone's judgmental eyes ready to pry. In a strange way my confidence kinda builds up at that moment and i get the idea to post a new cover on my YouTube channel.

2. YOU HAVE A TERMINAL ILLNESS. WITH JUST A DAY TO LIVE. WHAT WOULD YOU SPEND YOUR DAY DOING?
I'd spend the first half of the day giving back to society. I would gather my belongings and make sure they go to the people who need it the most. At noon for an hour, I'd sit down in church with my Lord and thank him for the chance I had to live. I'd also ask him to grant strength to the people I was leaving behind. To help them move on because death is also the beginning of a new life. One without you. Then for the last part of the day, I would invite everyone who ever made me happy and made me feel important to hang out. Just like old times. Then, for my last hour, I'd go Hannah Baker style, write a letter. See, i'd die writing... haha. But they wouldn't be the reasons for my death of course, since we all know why I am actually dying. I'd give people reasons to live. Because I believe it is simply a blessing to be alive.

3. FAVOURITE SHOW OF ALL TIME
I have so many on my mind at the moment. Most of them Korean. But the queen that stole my heart was and is 'AFTER LIFE'. It gives a broad explanation on what life is supposed to be. And the summary of it all being, be kind to others. Because, happiness doesn't necessarily have to belong to us. Seeing other people be happy because of us or even just the thought that someone will enjoy what you put out for them, makes us happy. I love it. It's a big eye opener, and if you're reading this you should consider watching it. It's on Netflix.

4. FAVORITE COMEDIAN
Jim Carrey. He was a big contributor to the laughter I had in the early years of my life. Hell i even watched some of his shows 5 times over. He is pretty good if you ask me.

5. DAD/MUM? TAKE A PICK
Well i'll be damned. Here lies a heavy question. I love my dad, but he is simply rarely around. So the bond between us is pretty weak. Mum. I guess I would pick my mother. Because well, when it comes to experience, she has gone through a lot. She's a pretty strong woman and we have our moments. We have a bond. I love them both though. Equally.

6. WHAT IS YOUR TAKE ON THE KENYAN JOB MARKET?
Simple, it's messed up. The Kenyan job market bends towards people with white collar jobs. On top of that, you need connections. In Kenya, connections beat skills. And if you're hungry enough, you can grab a bite into the apple that is politics. Learn how to pocket that which belongs to the common mwananchi. Leaving us wallowing in the miasma of  being termed a 3rd world country. But i guess it is what it is.

7. IN ANOTHER LIFE, WHAT CAREER WOULD YOU PURSUE
Assuming in my new world, anything and everything achieves success. Music. I would know everything about it. Production, mixing, singing, instruments, marketing it and selling it. I would be music and music would be me. Because music plays a major role in people's lives. The life of the party, the introvert who loves indie music, the men who love rap and the skill of it, music drives us and invokes certain emotions. So, most definitely, music would be my number 1 choice. It is simply my passion.

8.SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU GENUINELY HAPPY
Random kind gestures and friendships with no strings attached. When someone genuinely enjoys being around you. No judgement, no fear of judgement, a safe space where you can be who you are and no one will give you a crazy stare. Oh, and seeing someone smile because of me. When all of these happen at the same time, we can say I am riding on cloud 9 without the weed high, simply out of the energy that surrounds me.

9. WHAT SKILLS DO YOU HAVE?
I am a musician. I think at this point in life I feel comfortable calling myself that. I am also a writer. I can pen down some pretty good articles. Also, from school, I am slowly achieving the art of Financing and Economics.

10. ARSENAL VS MANCHESTER UNITED?
On the 28th of August 2011, when I was in class 7. I witnessed what was a huge victory for Manchester. This was the day they handed the asses of Arsenal back to them. They got 8 good slaps to their back and only managed to fight back twice. Deuces to Arsenal but they lost any hope of my support on that day. Sorry fam.

11. FAVORITE BOOK/ ARTICLE/ BLOG
When I was in class 5, I used to enjoy indulging in the book series of Pacesetters. They made those long boring preps worth it. The only problem is I used to finish them in one sitting, but that's only because they were so sweet. This brings me to say, that my best book came from the book series. The title was LOVE. It was both what the book was talking about and the name of our heroine. Damn this book had me in my feelings and they didn't leave me happy in the end. They left me frustrated, and I love it. I hate to love it but dear Kalu Okpi, why'd you have to do me dirty like that.See, I still remember you 11 years later.

11 FACTS ABOUT ME

1. I sing.
2. I am signed under a label.
3. I am left handed.
4. I am obsessed with Kdramas.
5. I love smelling good tbh, and i love sticking to one perfume.
6. If I love a song, on my 2nd day listening to it, i normally already know all the words by heart, even together with the additional little things inside the track... like a scream or like a laugh, weird... ikr.
7. I have a pretty great memory, if i am paying attention, i won't forget.
8. I have an annoying laugh... swoosh only people I am extremely comfortable around know it... Geez!!
9. For me to study extremely well, I need total silence. Like phone off, music off...everyone asleep.
10. I am messy, but i love my notes neat.
11. I am on the border between believing in love and dying single.

One word description of myself; CARING.

As much as I love reading, I don't know that many people who write blogs. So, I nominate:

1. Maxine Wanjiku of https://mysteriouscalamity.blogspot.com/?m=1

and I renominate

2. Mumba Chome of https://tuongeekiasi.wordpress.com/author/remmychome44/ (Sorry Chome, you don't have to do this again, but you can if you want)

MY QUESTIONS
1. Who motivates you or what motivates you.

2. What pet would you love to have or do you have and why.

3. Favorite musician?

4.What do you regret the most?

5. Do you consider yourself to be happy?

6. What is a dangerous habit you've formed?

7. Apple or Android?

8. Dream destination.

9. What's your opinion on love?

10. What do you consider a life well lived?

11. Favourite line from a movie/ TV show/ Series?

Well all good things do come to an end. I really enjoyed that. Gave it as much content as I could. See you next time, when I'm playing with your emotions...tihihi...I joke. BAIBAI!!!!

IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OKAY...

You see... hear me out. It was never supposed to be like that. Creating a duplicate of yourself and making it into a person. Then watching its steps slowly. Sounds horrendous huh... I decided to be that person. That one that never heals but heals at the same time. I was nonexistent between the little fantasies I had created for myself.

In front of people who I cherished the most, I was myself. You'd be surprised by how short the list is. And I enjoyed every bit of it. But chaos doesn't really sit well with calm. It was  more of drain inside the storm... more of calm was just a word I passed by in the dictionary.

Hey... hope you didn't forget I said it's not supposed to be okay... because it really isn't. All the experiences I've been through, they scream and they shout and they tell me to give up. They tell me enough is enough and so is your existence. But charm from the few even those tiny conversations give me life and I can be better than the voice.

Experience. Fear. Abstinence. Pain. Positive??? Nahh positive kinda died when I got to this world. Hell I think I cried a day or 2. I guess all the negatives kind of piled on and made me into a sorry human. But at least not a shitty one. Damn I'm good. I don't really like fighting but I am well put and i can keep an intellectual and deep conversation with the people close to me. Hell i make strong bonds...or as I'd like to think i chose to think like that.

But that doesn't wipe away the fact that my past is a strong leg tie. Something that i drag around as i walk. No this cannot be described by an image. Because it is my soul in sight. I want to be able to say things without feeling sorry to the eyes that might judge. The eagles waiting to soar high with my biggest insecurities. The "cool kids".

But intelligence was also something I considered myself to have. So I fought hard for where I belonged. Even though the fight seemed weak... I was convinced. I was going to win.

But like i said.  My past held on to my foot so hard I had a permanent scar. And for a second of a drug high feeling, it let go. And guess what... it felt good. At the time it did...and yes I wanna believe in the notion that sang " The past is the past...focus on the present". But that was a luxury that I couldn't afford. It was a currency that existed in my dreams.

So it's  not okay to be okay when you're not. It's not okay to feel like you have the answers but all you have is the echo of a thousand bullies. Kindness is rare but its sweet and if it wasn't yours... you yearn for it. It's not okay to say you're okay when your heart is crying...

It's not okay to succumb to the need of approval. It's sad and the issue is not you... it's the people around you for not noticing. And for noticing and ignoring it. You matter and I say again it is definitely okay not to be okay. At least now I'm sure I'm not...

SOUR STUMBLE BLOCKS

Heavy. Have you felt heavy? Have you been heavy? Heavy is what today is all about. Heavy runs back to back with the piece of apple that stuck on Adam's throat. One that changed humanity. That type of energy heavy. So you can stop here. But for those willing to hear the words of a tired soul...let's indulge.

Do you know how positivity fills you in when you begin to feel a so called "connection"? How well you think you know where it's all headed. Living in the abuse of demise. Demise that represented your will. 
You let yourself in, knowing all the rules. All the circumstances. The divine knowledge you'd gained from a funny adage that goes "experience is your best teacher". But this student skipped class and the message was but words...oh sorry to the elites that created the adage!!! Your young ancestor simply didn't listen. And you know what they say about naive. Naive gets you in situations you couldn't ever handle. Fuck the masses. Fuck logic. Fuck reason. Here presents the solicited award for the clown of the year!

You get yourself one of those fancy little expensive imaginations knowing that soon you'll pay the cost. The cost of turning a blind eye. The cost of stupidity. So you run in like the loyal dog that you are and wait for your daily bone. The messages. The everything. At this point you're so sure. You let yourself believe that...Hey? He's really gonna be different...I trust my gut. No sis, you took a deep knife down your tummy, deep into the abyss of the fat that surrounds it and into the core of your soul. You took a leap of downfall. Faith had packed up and left with the last bus.

So you think,  it's cost effective to have expensive conversations with someone who has a mental issue. And that's on me. I'm the issue. And I didn't know that at that time. Or maybe I did, i just missed the heart break. To be honest heartbreaks just dont sink that deep...they last a couple days and that's that.  But craving sadness was an apple a day and i had formed it and my oh my it felt good. Nutsssss!!!! Nobody thinks like that. People are cultured well at least depression is just an article in a book. But I dug a pit and I buried myself within the sand

Months in and ready for the kill. Why not carry a gun to this fight... since there's no difference with  taking a bullet. Armed with reasons to be,  I killed the reason to think. And that was treason to the state of my heart. So I was banished to death. Upon the words leaving the tip of my fingers since shy was my timely companion, the blow of a thousand fuck you's lit up in my face in tiny little progressive oncomings. The body was tired, the soul was freezing. Death!!!!

So who watches walking dead???. My beautiful well taken care of masterpiece of a photo up there... is a symbol of what happened. Darkness is a lively companion. And there comes a time when light surrounds dark and dark has no power. I mean, simply lighting up a torch kills darkness by a big margin. So yes, darling Blvck learnt that she needed to dissociate from societal dark days and personal demise.

So I changed. I dont allow the bull to come in. I'm the lighted pathway in the middle with a tiny pond of water. I'm a change and I don't want any of the mild surrounding negativity to rid me of my peace. So I depart, once more....