IT BURNS

I was supposed to come up with some... metaphorical story for you. Some fantasy. But my blog is about pain. So let me serve it to your raw. I want you to have a taste of what authentic pain is.

You see, you're born into what society calls, a perfect family. People see the cars you had when all that was present was tiny. People see the phone. People smell the scent. People see the outlook. But people more often than not... side line the person. The person isn't there. It's a shadow. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe it's a human with too much garbage going on. Everywhere. And I mean everywhere.

You see being happy is always an option. No beauties of the world. Brothers and sisters this is what we call dictatorship. Where the society was the dictator and the families were the enforcers. Ever wondered how it felt to be surrounded by pain.

You're lucky if you were young to have been allowed to go out and play. Better you who'd go out to socialise. I was locked down. I lived in a shell for 17 good great years of my life. I knew no one outside and no one outside knew me. Except for that one time. There was normally that one time. When the outside world becomes present. I mean... I finally lay foot in town...and I'm not talking Nairobi. I lay foot in Ngong town. Without the presence of my mother.

But this was before the accident. Bet you didn't see that coming. I almost died. Dear blvck tasted a near death experience. That movie scene that gives you a big sigh because the protagonist didn't die. I felt it. But I came back thinking like Jeff Colby in Dynasty. And there it hit me. I thought that life was gonna get better because you know, I survived death. 

All the bullying I experienced in the early years of my life. I knew it was all over. But mama no. Mama the bullying i went through wasn't physical. They didn't cut me or bruise me physically. No mama they tortured me. They tortured my mind. They made sure I got the memo that I meant nothing. Mama they killed my will to have confidence in myself. 

And that's where it started. The dreaded suicide thoughts. Jesus... please accept those souls in heaven because you saw how humans can be. You felt the pain. You have to understand. Suicide isn't a choice. It's a gun to the head because of mental issues. Because of your darkest demons. But people naively call suicidal people stupid. Fuck you for being ignorant. I hope God touches your soul and you really get to be human. Suicide might hurt both parties...but the demons inside the head of your children, friends and family killed them. And where were you??? Huh. 

You see people come up with long statuses of how bad it hurts....but it's considered attention giving. But when booze, weed or some local free party comes up... y'all lined up with your RIPs and love emojis yet ignoring was your best suit. God I fear the people who show love upon death. That shows the degree of pity they had for you. Which is close to nil. 

But people don't care. Whether it's a rape or 2, or it's a broken abusive relationship. No! People don't  care if it's a slap on the cheek or a whisper in your ear. People don't care if you're crying, blood shot eyes cause maybe you're too much to handle. 

I'm bad at checking up on people. Because that's not something I was taught growing up. It was all you have to be perfect. You have to be this...you have to be that. Growing around negativity kind of does that to you. And trying to be apologetic because of it is just nuts. 

You weren't there were you. Were you in me to feel how it felt. Did you ask??? Oh...she must be lying. I guess it's normal for a fat person to go through that. I mean did you see her. Yo, you need to work out... not because it's "healthy" but because I need a trophy I can represent. 

Goddamnit I said it. Being ghosted because of how you look sucks. But trauma builds up like drops of water in a gutter into a bucket. It fills and fills and finally overflows. And that's the exact same feeling I have at the moment. The ability to keep things locked up in your mind kills you from inside and suicide feels like a way out. Damn. It's like keeping people away from food for a month. Y'all need to watch "The Platform" if you can stand gruesome. 

I get triggers but this one kinda triggered my heart. So I'm gonna have to go away for a while and heal. I took the blow big time this time guys. Like I said back there on my status. I really wanna give you a clear picture but my mind gets fuzzy at times and now I'm just not in the right position  to explain the pain I am undergoing. So bye. Until I see you or you see me. Or I get back sooner.