I MEAN, WHY NOT?

I sat here and wondered. Why should I do it anyway? I mean. A man comes. A man goes. Pun most definitely not intended. Have your laugh. It's fine. Really. But, what of you? 

I get it. It's depressing. Most of the time you aren't really crying because of the betrayal. I mean. Let's be real. You miss it. 

But now it's gone. It's... kapoof! Its disappeared.  And you have to start again. You have to go back to square one, only with this so called "heartbreak"

Let's be real. Is it really heartbreak? Well it might feel like a heart break because it just didn't end up with happy smiles and funny titles.

 "Couple goals" if you may. 

But why should that be the end. Honey we've all gotten our "hearts broke" by something. I don't really think I should call that a heartbreak. I call it proof of your chest feeling deep emotions. But feeling sad because it gave them to the wrong person. 

Lemme tell you why I don't believe in heartbreaks. Because the minute you find a good relationship. And settle. Like give it all up. Give up expectations. Give up things like type. And just really listen to your heart. 

I mean, how many of y'all have experienced happiness with a guy but shut him off just because, and Ladies correct me if I'm wrong.,

 "He's not good looking enough for the photos." 

Or

 " my friends are gonna find this hilarious."

Why do you care so much about what people say when your heart is literally exploding inside. Loving men you know are gonna tap the next ass that jiggles. Men who lack respect for women. Men who feel entitled to love while doing nothing but giving dicks to girls who really need their carrots. 

But, even though love feels bitter. Love is really worthit. Because as soon as you get to love someone, you'll forget everything about your heartbreak. Because you've chosen to build a life with this man and he understands that. 

Come on darlings, let's be positive about life. Shall we?

CHANGE

Believe me when I say, changing is the hardest task the minute you get comfortable. But comfortable wasn't ever in the books. It was like an image I seemed to paint in the minds of those who felt frustrated. That I was comfortable being who I was. But, shall we call it psychological? I mean what are the odds you become a totally different person if you tried. But the thrill of the moment is the comfort of the unknown. 

Now, once you're used to a certain way of living, those who pay attention, which is mostly nil most of the time, see you. They see what's going on. But the ones that see you more, are those occasional glances from a person you say hi to if you feel the urge to.

Why though? Because that momentary view of you could stick a particular image of you on them. So what is it that I'm saying. I'm saying that I changed. So abruptly but so beautifully. I'm not sure I've addressed this before but I've been meaning to. So, if you do not mind at all, shall we go for a ride. Let's go visit the person I once was.

Early in the morning I'd wake up feeling like another ugly day has come. Why? I only wanted the day to end and wind up in bed or on the couch munching away. Waiting for morning to go see people hoping it wasn't that day when my overthinking got the better of me. I mean. I used to select what to be sad about that night. Not because it was comfortable, but because it helped feel real. I mean. It was my reality at the time. I'd go to school and have the time of my life with my friends. But then, we weren't glued together 24/7. So here comes the demons riding their way in a tuk tuk. So noisily...so loudly. I think I even used to get indigestion when I ate alone. Wah. It was crazy I'm not gonna lie. And watching people come and go kinda became a normal thing. So I only acted like I tried but in the end it was better as soon as they left. Because now no more expectations.

Then, came a time now. When I decided I was gonna take one long break from reality. I surprised myself. I was like, girl let's see how you're gonna behave when you don't use your phone too much. So I told my mother as soon as we closed school, that I needed a change of actions. So I did. I removed both my lines, put them in a beautiful watch box and just never took them out for 4 beautiful months. I mean the sight of it was just... ç'est magnifique. I had an amazing time having one on one conversations with myself. Well I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the 1-2 notifications. I did. But then I needed to be disciplined. I could've backtracked if I wanted but I didn't. I had both sim cards and I'm the one who kept them away. I had to tell lies here and there but if i didn't take the time off I'd be in bad shape right now.

Now, came the down slip. Corona happened. I was so frustrated. I had kept my weight loss goals in check and I was looking prettier and healthier than ever. But the thing is, i just heard one controversial statement and i slipped up. Then i started postponing. I was like no, let's just get it over with after my birthday passes by. So what did I do, I just ate. The snacks were so many, mmmhhh chocolate. Daamn I never wanted it to end. And mother just kept on providing for lil old me. Then I started the journey again but this time with less conviction. I mean it only took hearing my bro say, "unafanya diet na unaeza kufa na corona" so I fell out. But not for long because I knew enough was enough.

So what happened next was bliss. I just decided to change completely. I got out of bed early in the morning at around 5:00 am and made my bed. And afterwards I'd keep myself busy. Started eating different and working different. Drinking lots of water. And avoiding sadness like the plague. I make sure I start my day dancing to some fire song that I just discovered the previous day. I'd make sure when I was angry or sad, I'd declare, literally, that I was not about to ruin my good moods. And just like that I'd relax my frowning face and just smile the day away. Now all that's left is to change the way I interact with people and stop being afraid of my own skin. 

Change is pretty. If you want it to be. And I want it to continue being beautiful until I blossom into the best version of myself. I've been talking about myself here too much. Well, brushing over the details. Giving you a piece of me, but just enough for it not to be the whole of me. Because I believe everyone is wired differently. But for sure so long as you fight to stay alive feeling good about yourself when you can, then you will get that spark in you that makes you wanna be productive. Always. And you'll smile at the person you've become.

And who wouldn't want that?

What's So Wrong With Heartbreaks?

 

What really makes us feel so bad for allowing ourselves to be heart broken?... I mean. Before I even begin to describe how exactly I feel about heartbreaks. Let's make sure I've said, this is purely my personal opinion. Feel free to be offended but that's on you. I'm all about beauty and happy nowadays. 

So what! He/She said no? He/She got handsy with someone else when you're so taken away by their simple existence? So? MOVE. 

But remember, you're human. And once your heart breaks, then you know you are capable of love. And sure the process of finding it is a little bit harder. But why should you worry? You're living right. And basically it's their loss. I mean. You're a pure gem. Sounds cringy when you read it, but it's just the truth. You've polished yourself to being a person who's capable of love. And as sure as they say, what belongs to you will find you.

Heartbreak, I believe. Creates a new door. Like, step out of it first. Fix yourself. Fix your life. Then, be happy. Because you can. You just have to find it. Cause, as sure as you aren't giving up in the hope of finishing your course despite the many complaints you got piled on. You do not have to give up on love at all.

I know. Sounds like I haven't had it rough. But believe me honey, I've had it once. Falling in love with someone who has someone else, or someone who doesn't wanna ruin your friendship. Even the cringiest of statements. I've heard them all. I mean, it came with the body. But I'm fixing that. See. Heartbreak kinda helps as soon as you heal from it. And choose to learn a thing or 2 about how to take care of yourself. Your image. 

Now. Heartbreaks sure hurt a bunch. They can come in any form. You don't have to get a heartbreak because of a partner. It could even be within the love in a family. The fact that everything screams at you and tells you to leave, but you still stay because you have so much love for your family. Immense. So why give it up? Sure it's kinda toxic. But it's your toxic. And you have to deal. Because you share the blood in your veins. Well, not unless its poisonous.

Now, happiness seems far fetched. But it's in the little things that you grow. Be happy for the little things. Your skin glows. Smile. You get good grades. Smile. You love hard. Smile. And you are an amazing person to live with. Smile. Fun friend. Smile. Be happy for all your little achievements. Then people's opinions will always seem like a blur.

Now I have got loads to say. But even good writers know when to rest their hands. They need to be in good shape for the next good read. 

Bye my sweet readers.😊💜❤

NIGHTS LIKE THESE...

Sometimes, happiness is a choice. I chose it. But that doesn't mean I don't get mad or sad. It just means I choose not to. Because in the end, you are the only one who can help yourself. And I mean this with none other than personal experience. I was always looking for someone to hold on to. Someone who would just tell me everything would be okay. Constantly. But that just doesn't exist in the books anymore.

I had people who cared. But then. People do get tired of your shit. They question if you actually really wanna heal. And the more the questions the more you pile on dirt on yourself. The more you feel like a burden. The more you're drawn to suicide. The more you stop caring about how you look, what you wear, how you take care of yourself. 

People will straight up compare your situation with someone else's. A situation that you've never been in. A situation that isn't going to solve however bad your feeling for yourself. People manifest themselves in ways that they believe are best. Hell if you heard them speak you'd think they won an award in counselling. But what for? They really aren't seeing you. They are just seeing the people they did it for before and for some miraculous reason worked on them.

Now. Who you choose to share your personal problems with are all your decisions to make. And never feel bad about it. They might not understand. But one thing is for sure. You, understand yourself. You do. I mean who better? You have your shoes so definitely you know how much they sting. So find it. Find the strength in yourself to take the shoes off. Because if you believe that no prince charming or princess is coming to take it off you, the lesser the effort to walk towards a fleeting dream it takes.

I've began all this by saying a lot about how people don't care. Because fr they don't. But healing is a process so you do you till you feel like you can breath again. I'm a living breathing testimony that you really can do it. There's some kind of light at the end of this endless dark tunnel. Just trust and you'll definitely find it.

Insecurities pile on. For sure. And believe me people like to associate themselves with people who look good on them. Well at the very least most people do. If you rub them the wrong way. And I mean you could be the kindest and sweetest person ever, but that's not what they see. 

Today, there was a discussion in a group I'm in about brands. And why people buy them. And simply, they wanna look cool. Same case with human association. People wanna look cool hanging out with people who do. And if you just don't fit the description, prepare yourself for discrimination. Well, they might keep you if you don't fit the description because you have something to offer. For instance, cash. You may be a bank to them. They'll take advantage.

Well, there's so much shit to smear on the shitty reality we are living. Which is why what is most of essence, is inner peace. Inner peace. Protect yourself. Protect your heart. Trust your instincts. Move carefully. Don't let people fuck you up. Or mess you up. Live. And I hope with a most sincere heart, that you find happiness.

Bless💜.

LOADS TO SAY...

 Well. I was busy minding my bizz. Playing my favourite pastime Eurotruck. Damn that game is everything. From hard, to demanding, to stressful, to fulfilling and... well I have no particular word for it. Then I was just wondering, should I just write? Cause somehow it calms me down. I'm not mad or anything. I'm not even sad or happy I'm just in the inbetween. I don't really have anyone I wanna talk to at the moment so I'll talk to the eyes that have been with me since I started writing.

I was playing, listening to the good tunes and this random thought just came to me. Actually so many random thoughts came to me. Because my mind is a textbook of thoughts. I was wondering, why I like the boys I'm attracted to, what caused it? I was also wondering what events led to my thought process ending up the way it is. Because my mind is a movie. I've acted so many things in my head and I've succeeded in some but failed in others. I've even played out a couple of death scenes in my head, my own death. Don't let that terrify you, the thought just really really gets me going. 

Just the other day, I came off my comfort zone. Literally. Damn. I was so comfortable doing the wrong things. All the wrong things. Things that I was sure either irritated me or made me mad or things that just made me sorry for my existence. But like I said before, I'm done with that negative ish. Tihihi, I don't normally say ish I just think it's interesting. TMI? Hell nah. Haha this is my blog so go with it😏.

But then one thought that's lingered for days, is why do we behave the way we behave? I mean. We  clearly know talking shit about someone we dislike is wrong but we still do it. I came off my comfort zone so smoothly I'm wondering why I never did it earlier on. Maybe I wasn't ready for the change. Maybe I convinced myself that staying the way I was I'd maybe find happiness in the exact same way. INSANITY. LITERALLY. So why do we do it?

Let's use the foul word fat. Say I am fat. Now, I have had friends who'd console me about the same. Still do. Telling me so loudly so passionately, 

'Be comfortable in your own skin. Love yourself. You are beautiful. What they say doesn't matter.' 

Wanna know the mediocre part of it all. In the evening when I go through their statuses, I randomly come across memes that make fun of fat people. Or memes that belittle fat people. And a couple of laughing emojis. Kwanza zile zenye ziuanguka kwa floor juu ya vile meme ni funny yaani. Wah! Ogopa! 

Why did they do it? I ask myself. Why are you telling me that which you don't believe yourself. Why do we do it? Why do we manipulate yet when we are manipulated we are totally and utterly defensive. We say out loud, aki sijafanyiwa poa. Yet, yet, you just did that to someone else. 

Kwanza this one makes me laugh so hard. When a guy comes and tells me how he hates girls who cheat. Damn. Ata karibu ararue mtoto wa wenyewe ngozi juu ya vile "Nairobi" girls are super reckless. Fucking every Tom, Dick and Harry. But then, the same same nigg, gets into a relationship and is hitting on you so vigorously unaeza dhani anataka kukuoa. Why??????

We preach so so much water but we are still the same ones drinking bitter choking whiskey. Why?Another thing. Girls. We see all the warning signs, yaani in bold. This guy totally doesn't like you. Doesn't respect you. But we still there creeping telling ourselves some foul lies of how they are still adjusting to the relationship, when the only thing adjusting is the direction their dicks erect. I mean why?

Hypocrites is what we are. It's a general word and so many of us need to stop being hypocritical. Fr fr. Don't feign loyalty when immediately a problem arises, you don't bother to find out both sides of the story. Or quick to post the rumors you just figured out on your story without finding out the truth. Apo saa izo umeexclude mtu unasengenya kuona. If you're so confident about your crap, why are you hiding?

Shall we all step out of our comfort zones? Shall we? Can we stop creating casualties and acting like helpless victims when we go through the same? Can we just make it peaceful for everyone? Can we please just mind our own business if it does not involve us in any way? 

I understand 'udaku' is sweet. But if you love it so much, why not learn to hold hurtful information. Not unless it's information that will build your fellow friend. Or foe. 

Well, I know this particular piece didn't have a particular direction and I know, words really do fall on deaf ears. Eyes, in this particular case. But I was just wondering really. Why do we do it? 

Can people really change? 

I don't know. And I never will. But it was interesting writing this down. 

All in all, let's be good peeps. It costs nothing guys, really. Free for all. No one's angry and everyone ends up happy.🤭

DEATH

 

 

I believe this is where you can say, I had you in the first half, ngl. Because well you'll see. I remember going on a hiatus a couple months ago. Came back, wrote a piece on what makes people tick. Didn't get that much viewership but I'm still grateful for the eyes that skimmed through my work. And now here I am, presenting you a topic that most prefer to avoid.

Have you ever thought about death? If so, do tell🤭. You know where to find me. I know when I used to carry depression on my back daily, it was always there staring at me. You know, I had the guts and the reason. I would've gone for it. Only hitch is that I'm not gonna let the people who I love and clearly love me back suffer because I couldn't handle my own pain. And funny because I came across requited love just recently. And I'm not talking the romantic type, no. I went and got myself a whole family. Yeah yeah I'll never get tired of talking about it.

So you might be wondering, what exactly is it that I mean when I name this piece death. What comes with death? Are you thinking? Probably not cause I'm supposed to be coming up with the answers for you. Otherwise why the hell would you be reading this? With death, comes new life. Yes. New life stems from death.

Not a new baby. No. I mean your life is going to change when  someone close to you dies. Why? Because that part of your life just got curved out. Let's get closer, shall we? 

Imagine losing your own child. Tragic. Because the one that was once part of you, literally came from you is gone. And now, you are presented with the task of living different. Because your usual routine that involved your dear one, can't exist anymore. 

I chose death. I chose to kill off everything that was weighing me down and I buried it deep inside the earth. What exactly is it that I killed? I killed worry. I killed depression. I killed suicidal thoughts. I killed care for that which does not deserve my care. I killed it all. And for the first time in my life, I chose to live.

I saw myself in the eyes of many. The eyes of the critics because everything that can talk, can criticize. They say all the ugly things and that's exactly how i lived. Say person A called me weak, I'd assume the form and grow weak. Say person B called me fat, I'd feed on all that was wrong and satisfy the appeal of my mind that said, that's who I am. Say person C called me ugly, I'd always sweat up when a sexy stranger walked by in case they spat on my face. Annoying right? I mean, nilikuwa ninaSTRUGGLE!

But then, I took a break from reality. Yes, after coming back from dissociation I was still a lil bit sad. But it's all gone now. Because now, I simply ask myself, why not? I mean. If some mean asshole comes up to my face and is displeased with what I wear or how I talk, why should I be mad? Why not be happy? Their loss. They could close their eyes if their field of view is getting distorted because of your presence. 

I asked myself, all those tears I cried, aren't they enough? I told myself that I've cried all the tears for my future and so I should make sure I shed my tears only at the loss of life, see I chose death. I did. Because, why should someone, who's already forgotten all the insults they hurled at your face the minute you're gone, be tormenting you? Why? They don't matter. You don't share a bed or a life or a mind sis. I mean son. Why? 

I have wasted so many opportunities to grow and be filthy rich at the moment. Why? Because of my mind. Because I let all those insults pile and pile when I could be using my picture perfect memory to remember all the times I was happy. 

Right now, we trampling on these bitches. We doing this. We trampling on niggz that think their stupidity is going to weigh you down. We trampling on bitches who only run their mouth and have only good bodies to offer. We trampling on rude men, mean ladies, entitled asses, and useless tramps who only find joy in other people's demise. Because without the power to make you feel bad, they are just noisy empty trash cans that need to be thrown out. You dig?

If you live right, in your own eyes. If your soul is satisfied. If you have just one, you don't even need that many. Just one person, who appreciates you for who you are, then you are enough. You rock! You rule! You are the epitome of happiness because you deserve it. You live right. And you also deserve love. 

Don't you think?😊💜❤

WHAT MAKES YOU TICK?

WHAT MAKES YOU TICK????

At a point in time, around a week or two weeks ago, I randomly asked, "What makes you tick?"

So of course the question was sent out to a couple of decent numbers, and the answers were mind blowing to say the least. I expected less but instead i got much to ramble on and on about.

It's an odd question if you ask me. What exactly was my intent huh. As random as the question is, is exactly as random as the thought. The question has so many perspectives. Like are you asking me for an upfront answer?

Are you asking me to answer what moves me to so much negative energy or aura? 

(😹😹), for my tiny anime audience.

Or is it that you're asking me what makes me smile with such a warm embrace.

I don't know! Just tell me what you thought of as you heard the question.

So the answers came in. One of them was quite familiar. I know maybe quite most of you relate. Huge assumption there but i guess we go with what we get. 

FOOD!

Food makes me tick. Just the sweet ecstasy when that piece of good chicken lands on your tongue. That intense moment. That, "Damn, eating out today was quite the pay off" type of vibe. That moment your teeth grind over and over again as you devour the sweet sensation on your tongue. Licking your lips to make sure you don't miss any taste. Sparing no room for waste. Chewing that bone and leaving it raw. Sucking on your thumb because it got most of the action. Of course assuming you wash well😏. 

And I was bought. Because food does make me tick in various ways. Most especially after herb, puffs and munchies. But that's nuff about me. Let's head over to another answer.

LOUD CHEWERS! TOUCHEY FEELY UNPROVOKED HUMANS!!! 

Uuuggghhhh! Just the sound of it makes it so blegh! I mean why don't you keep the noise to your mouth. We are also enjoying ourselves. Why so boasty? That scrunchy noise in a silent peaceful environment. I don't know about you, but is a no for me. Well, relate much. Cause I did. I mean, some things make your mind and stomach crawl in different directions. Then those human beings who just cannot seem to keep their hands to themselves. I mean there is a reason consent exists. There is a reason hands are an extension of your body. Because that's where they should remain unless indicated otherwise. Ish, too much negative energy right, let's go to the next beauty.

MUSIC!!!!

My people, my people. Music makes people tick. Well I'll be damned if I say I don't belong to people. Music is a gift given to us by our ears. Music is the melody nature provides. The moment good vibrations are a wonderful bass track land on your ears. The moment those carefully scripted words leave our favorite artists' mouths. Damn. The way goosebumps linger on our skin when we hear that soul piercing note just carefully delivered. And the electronic gift that is ear phones. The minute that good high is flowing in your body and just the right songs are booming in your ears. That momentary close of your eyes. I mean if you don't do music, I don't know. Music is like a need, well, for me. Music most definitely makes me tick just as much as it does you.

SMELLY PEOPLE!!!!

Foooo!!! Take a shower son! Sis it doesn't feel too good. Perfumes and cologne really do exist. Why you coming to me when I'm vibing good in the morning with some wack ass stench from last week. I mean brother, you might shower but are your clothes clean too??? Why are you doing this to our innocent noses. I mean the lecturer can mumble but all I hear is, "Stenchy, dirty socks, wet shoes, damp clothing and sweat behind you". It's definitely too much. This is a one on one special. Buy soap! Sabuni, dawa la roho. At least make life peaceful not deadly. Talking about it is already making my skin crawl so moving on...

Now shall we head over to me. What makes your dear author tick?

PURPLE!!! 

The simple color purple. Purple is a color close to my heart. Not for any particular reason. But for so many reasons. The image theme for this post for instance. The title. An image I came across when I was browsing my dear beauty color. Why does purple make me tick? I mean. Maybe its because of how immediately peaceful I become after staring at it for too long. It's like God's personal gift for my eyes. When I see purple, ...forget the philosophy. I just fuck heavy with purple. I mean, why the hell not. 

It's the simple things in life that makes us happy. It is also the simple things in life that make us lash out. This is simply living. I mean we need all our emotions to pass off as a human being. At least one that feels. So whatever it is that rubs you off the right or the wrong way. It's what makes you you. 

I'm not so sure I included all the answers I got here. But I had my laugh and a fair share of good chats with those who came to me. And for this I say thank you. 

Jah bless.

AS I LAY,...

I wanted to write. Needed to write. Maybe it's partly because, I feel like i present my words in a clearer way. In a maybe captivating way. Because when i'm not being insecure, I'm prolly having the time of my life. Believing in myself. But I do believe that at times, you need to give it a break. And it's a well deserved one. For once, I want to stop thinking and just do.  And that means making the decisions I was once afraid to make. Not afraid of the consequences. Because sometimes, these same consequences make me into who I am.

So, to the few fans I garnered during my writing period. Need I say, my first writing period? Well I guess you don't have to worry. I'm just taking a very much needed hiatus. In my life, I've realized that the best decisions I made, happen when I'm away from everyone else. In my own world. And everything comes in phases, might be presumptuous to say that you are all aware of this. But, I am learning to make my world work in this world and my oh my I'm excited for what's in my future.

They say even the greatest know when they need to give it a rest, or they need to hold the strangely strong bull by it's horns and take initiative. Make it your slave. Be it's master. Be the director of your own life. With God of course, otherwise it's all merely worthless. But side note to the non-believers, yes it can happen to you too. I mean in the end we are all human. And if someone once achieved it we all damn can.

Who knows, maybe my next blog, will be about someone writing about me. Who knows, maybe the next time, I'll try to improve the reading culture. Maybe making a publishing company , who knows?  Success isn't limited. One thing I know for sure, again even though it's overrated, friendships are important. If you have one worth holding on to, don't fuck it up son. Sis take control of the situation and embrace loyalty.

True happiness, as I believe, is when you are generous with your smiles. Kind words. Tiny actions. Just be there for people, and the feeling of joy will overwhelm you. Well again, it's always a personal choice. But if you ever want to, get the temptation to, feel the urge to try, living like that... give it a try. Besides, it really is not life threatening.

Pain always seems bad, but not always. Pain heals too. Because then if you get unlucky once again to face it, it doesn't hurt as much as before. And this means, you don't and won't think about giving up. Besides once you climb that ladder, there's only one way up. And since you've seen the bottom, you climb clearly steered careful not to go back to that horrific place.

Otherwise, my dear readers, please take a moment and smile. Don't go ignoring me now, are you smiling? You sure? Najua one of you is prolly still thinking this is really stupid. But it isn't. You are smiling right now, right? Now was that so hard? I know you can't be lying to me...Umesmile?

I know...it felt good. And if you were happy even before choosing to read this paragraph, i'm sure it kinda felt refreshing. Yes, this is me sharing my smile with you. Because, I am so grateful for you. If it wasn't for you then my blog would've been useless.

Well again, this is not goodbye. This is me going to the abyss to overthrow it and create a way out. Because if lil miss Blvck can stop feeling like a worthless person, then you can also step out of depression. And i am going to be there walking with you. And let's make our lives into movies. I know I'm ready for the final stage to heading into my happy ending.

Confused...of course I can write positive. Besides it's not always raining, rainbows are pretty too. And they come between the sun and the rain. That feeling of assurance. You have it all under control. All you can do for me now, is spend the rest of your day happy. Be happy...

CONVERSATIONS IN THE DARK

So my  main characters are my demons and I.

My demons: Hi Blvck. I've always liked that name. It makes, you and I blend. Catch my drift?

Blvck: Oh no!? :/ What do you want now!??

My demons: Oh Blvck darlings you don't have to look so sad. I thought you were used to me by now. Because, you know, you kinda suck.

Blvck: I know I do but I don't need you to remind me every single day.

My demons: oh come on honey you know this is exactly how it is. You know that you just cant keep your mind off things. You always bounce back when you see me. You kinda like it here...

Blvck: Come on! You think I like it here. You see I don't know if  something is messing with my head or not. I dont know I'm gonna be alive that long. But choosing to live like this. You think it's a choice and I admire you for that. Because you are what is eating me up.

My demons: come on. I'm sure you're used to it. I kinda like you like this. You know... pathetic and sad. And it's alarming because I just got you from a wonderful night. You had the chance to share your problems. You had the chance to be happy but I ate you didn't I!!

Blvck: I wish you didn't create the hvrt in me. But you're right about one thing. I lost a chance. But I bet I'm gonna create it again. Bet!!!!

My demons: Oh please honey, you???? You mean YOU... HAHA oh Lord you're being serious. You need to get a hold of the situation. You fuck up. Big time. So many times. You have no idea how many people pity you from a distance. Hell you don't even look that ideal.

Blvck: Will you fucking shut upppppp!!!!!!!

My demons: Guess you should do us all a favour and kill yourself!!! I mean what good is it that you got to offer. What!!???? A kind heart. What??? Generosity....or what is it???!! Huh??? FORGIVENESS!!! Haha bitch you must be crazy. Hell you're listening to me. You're a fucked up person.

Blvck: Listen here bitch it's not like I don't know. It's  just, sometimes...

My demons: Apapap... nah honey...no more excuses. You're just a sorry ass bitch who needs to learn when to give up. You need to let go!!! You're worthless. Take a chill and a pill or 2. You need to loosen up. Maybe try 10 and sleep for eternity.

Blvck: Will you please leave me alone???? I'm tired...

IT BURNS

I was supposed to come up with some... metaphorical story for you. Some fantasy. But my blog is about pain. So let me serve it to your raw. I want you to have a taste of what authentic pain is.

You see, you're born into what society calls, a perfect family. People see the cars you had when all that was present was tiny. People see the phone. People smell the scent. People see the outlook. But people more often than not... side line the person. The person isn't there. It's a shadow. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe it's a human with too much garbage going on. Everywhere. And I mean everywhere.

You see being happy is always an option. No beauties of the world. Brothers and sisters this is what we call dictatorship. Where the society was the dictator and the families were the enforcers. Ever wondered how it felt to be surrounded by pain.

You're lucky if you were young to have been allowed to go out and play. Better you who'd go out to socialise. I was locked down. I lived in a shell for 17 good great years of my life. I knew no one outside and no one outside knew me. Except for that one time. There was normally that one time. When the outside world becomes present. I mean... I finally lay foot in town...and I'm not talking Nairobi. I lay foot in Ngong town. Without the presence of my mother.

But this was before the accident. Bet you didn't see that coming. I almost died. Dear blvck tasted a near death experience. That movie scene that gives you a big sigh because the protagonist didn't die. I felt it. But I came back thinking like Jeff Colby in Dynasty. And there it hit me. I thought that life was gonna get better because you know, I survived death. 

All the bullying I experienced in the early years of my life. I knew it was all over. But mama no. Mama the bullying i went through wasn't physical. They didn't cut me or bruise me physically. No mama they tortured me. They tortured my mind. They made sure I got the memo that I meant nothing. Mama they killed my will to have confidence in myself. 

And that's where it started. The dreaded suicide thoughts. Jesus... please accept those souls in heaven because you saw how humans can be. You felt the pain. You have to understand. Suicide isn't a choice. It's a gun to the head because of mental issues. Because of your darkest demons. But people naively call suicidal people stupid. Fuck you for being ignorant. I hope God touches your soul and you really get to be human. Suicide might hurt both parties...but the demons inside the head of your children, friends and family killed them. And where were you??? Huh. 

You see people come up with long statuses of how bad it hurts....but it's considered attention giving. But when booze, weed or some local free party comes up... y'all lined up with your RIPs and love emojis yet ignoring was your best suit. God I fear the people who show love upon death. That shows the degree of pity they had for you. Which is close to nil. 

But people don't care. Whether it's a rape or 2, or it's a broken abusive relationship. No! People don't  care if it's a slap on the cheek or a whisper in your ear. People don't care if you're crying, blood shot eyes cause maybe you're too much to handle. 

I'm bad at checking up on people. Because that's not something I was taught growing up. It was all you have to be perfect. You have to be this...you have to be that. Growing around negativity kind of does that to you. And trying to be apologetic because of it is just nuts. 

You weren't there were you. Were you in me to feel how it felt. Did you ask??? Oh...she must be lying. I guess it's normal for a fat person to go through that. I mean did you see her. Yo, you need to work out... not because it's "healthy" but because I need a trophy I can represent. 

Goddamnit I said it. Being ghosted because of how you look sucks. But trauma builds up like drops of water in a gutter into a bucket. It fills and fills and finally overflows. And that's the exact same feeling I have at the moment. The ability to keep things locked up in your mind kills you from inside and suicide feels like a way out. Damn. It's like keeping people away from food for a month. Y'all need to watch "The Platform" if you can stand gruesome. 

I get triggers but this one kinda triggered my heart. So I'm gonna have to go away for a while and heal. I took the blow big time this time guys. Like I said back there on my status. I really wanna give you a clear picture but my mind gets fuzzy at times and now I'm just not in the right position  to explain the pain I am undergoing. So bye. Until I see you or you see me. Or I get back sooner.

RECOGNITION

Well, what can I say? I'm simply happy for this, for today, for the reasons i am posting this blog today. Recognition happened. A pair of eyes acknowledged my piece of work and decided to nominate me for the Liebstar Award. A pair of eyes belonging to the renowned, well put and intellectual writer, Mumba Chome. Famously recognized in the writing world as the owner of this blog; https://tuongeekiasi.wordpress.com/author/remmychome44/ .

So what is the Liebstar Award you may ask. It is a platform where bloggers recognize fellow bloggers and give them a thumbs up for their intellectual pieces. And well I for one just feel blessed for this. I remember one friend suggesting the idea to me. The idea of becoming a writer. I brushed it off at first because you know, ignorance is a thing in society and people just do not feel the need to engage in reading anymore. But someone read, was impressed and thought of me when they came across the award. Thank you "mtu wangu wa madays" , I'm always grateful for you. I just hope more people would indulge in reading because well, it is refreshing and it's a culture we should take care of. Hopefully it won't disappear as the years go by because I for one won't stop.

For the rules to follow once nominated for the Liebstar Award:
1. Thank the Blogger that nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
2. Answer the questions given to you.
3. Share 11 facts about yourself.
4. Nominate 5-11 bloggers.
5. Ask your nominees 11 questions.
6. Notify then once you have uploaded your post.

ANSWERS TO MUMBA CHOME'S QUESTIONS:

1. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN NO ONE IS WATCHING?
Interesting question. I love music a lot. So when no one is watching, I blast the speakers and dance around every corner of the house. It makes me really happy and since I can be crazy without anyone's judgmental eyes ready to pry. In a strange way my confidence kinda builds up at that moment and i get the idea to post a new cover on my YouTube channel.

2. YOU HAVE A TERMINAL ILLNESS. WITH JUST A DAY TO LIVE. WHAT WOULD YOU SPEND YOUR DAY DOING?
I'd spend the first half of the day giving back to society. I would gather my belongings and make sure they go to the people who need it the most. At noon for an hour, I'd sit down in church with my Lord and thank him for the chance I had to live. I'd also ask him to grant strength to the people I was leaving behind. To help them move on because death is also the beginning of a new life. One without you. Then for the last part of the day, I would invite everyone who ever made me happy and made me feel important to hang out. Just like old times. Then, for my last hour, I'd go Hannah Baker style, write a letter. See, i'd die writing... haha. But they wouldn't be the reasons for my death of course, since we all know why I am actually dying. I'd give people reasons to live. Because I believe it is simply a blessing to be alive.

3. FAVOURITE SHOW OF ALL TIME
I have so many on my mind at the moment. Most of them Korean. But the queen that stole my heart was and is 'AFTER LIFE'. It gives a broad explanation on what life is supposed to be. And the summary of it all being, be kind to others. Because, happiness doesn't necessarily have to belong to us. Seeing other people be happy because of us or even just the thought that someone will enjoy what you put out for them, makes us happy. I love it. It's a big eye opener, and if you're reading this you should consider watching it. It's on Netflix.

4. FAVORITE COMEDIAN
Jim Carrey. He was a big contributor to the laughter I had in the early years of my life. Hell i even watched some of his shows 5 times over. He is pretty good if you ask me.

5. DAD/MUM? TAKE A PICK
Well i'll be damned. Here lies a heavy question. I love my dad, but he is simply rarely around. So the bond between us is pretty weak. Mum. I guess I would pick my mother. Because well, when it comes to experience, she has gone through a lot. She's a pretty strong woman and we have our moments. We have a bond. I love them both though. Equally.

6. WHAT IS YOUR TAKE ON THE KENYAN JOB MARKET?
Simple, it's messed up. The Kenyan job market bends towards people with white collar jobs. On top of that, you need connections. In Kenya, connections beat skills. And if you're hungry enough, you can grab a bite into the apple that is politics. Learn how to pocket that which belongs to the common mwananchi. Leaving us wallowing in the miasma of  being termed a 3rd world country. But i guess it is what it is.

7. IN ANOTHER LIFE, WHAT CAREER WOULD YOU PURSUE
Assuming in my new world, anything and everything achieves success. Music. I would know everything about it. Production, mixing, singing, instruments, marketing it and selling it. I would be music and music would be me. Because music plays a major role in people's lives. The life of the party, the introvert who loves indie music, the men who love rap and the skill of it, music drives us and invokes certain emotions. So, most definitely, music would be my number 1 choice. It is simply my passion.

8.SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU GENUINELY HAPPY
Random kind gestures and friendships with no strings attached. When someone genuinely enjoys being around you. No judgement, no fear of judgement, a safe space where you can be who you are and no one will give you a crazy stare. Oh, and seeing someone smile because of me. When all of these happen at the same time, we can say I am riding on cloud 9 without the weed high, simply out of the energy that surrounds me.

9. WHAT SKILLS DO YOU HAVE?
I am a musician. I think at this point in life I feel comfortable calling myself that. I am also a writer. I can pen down some pretty good articles. Also, from school, I am slowly achieving the art of Financing and Economics.

10. ARSENAL VS MANCHESTER UNITED?
On the 28th of August 2011, when I was in class 7. I witnessed what was a huge victory for Manchester. This was the day they handed the asses of Arsenal back to them. They got 8 good slaps to their back and only managed to fight back twice. Deuces to Arsenal but they lost any hope of my support on that day. Sorry fam.

11. FAVORITE BOOK/ ARTICLE/ BLOG
When I was in class 5, I used to enjoy indulging in the book series of Pacesetters. They made those long boring preps worth it. The only problem is I used to finish them in one sitting, but that's only because they were so sweet. This brings me to say, that my best book came from the book series. The title was LOVE. It was both what the book was talking about and the name of our heroine. Damn this book had me in my feelings and they didn't leave me happy in the end. They left me frustrated, and I love it. I hate to love it but dear Kalu Okpi, why'd you have to do me dirty like that.See, I still remember you 11 years later.

11 FACTS ABOUT ME

1. I sing.
2. I am signed under a label.
3. I am left handed.
4. I am obsessed with Kdramas.
5. I love smelling good tbh, and i love sticking to one perfume.
6. If I love a song, on my 2nd day listening to it, i normally already know all the words by heart, even together with the additional little things inside the track... like a scream or like a laugh, weird... ikr.
7. I have a pretty great memory, if i am paying attention, i won't forget.
8. I have an annoying laugh... swoosh only people I am extremely comfortable around know it... Geez!!
9. For me to study extremely well, I need total silence. Like phone off, music off...everyone asleep.
10. I am messy, but i love my notes neat.
11. I am on the border between believing in love and dying single.

One word description of myself; CARING.

As much as I love reading, I don't know that many people who write blogs. So, I nominate:

1. Maxine Wanjiku of https://mysteriouscalamity.blogspot.com/?m=1

and I renominate

2. Mumba Chome of https://tuongeekiasi.wordpress.com/author/remmychome44/ (Sorry Chome, you don't have to do this again, but you can if you want)

MY QUESTIONS
1. Who motivates you or what motivates you.

2. What pet would you love to have or do you have and why.

3. Favorite musician?

4.What do you regret the most?

5. Do you consider yourself to be happy?

6. What is a dangerous habit you've formed?

7. Apple or Android?

8. Dream destination.

9. What's your opinion on love?

10. What do you consider a life well lived?

11. Favourite line from a movie/ TV show/ Series?

Well all good things do come to an end. I really enjoyed that. Gave it as much content as I could. See you next time, when I'm playing with your emotions...tihihi...I joke. BAIBAI!!!!

IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OKAY...

You see... hear me out. It was never supposed to be like that. Creating a duplicate of yourself and making it into a person. Then watching its steps slowly. Sounds horrendous huh... I decided to be that person. That one that never heals but heals at the same time. I was nonexistent between the little fantasies I had created for myself.

In front of people who I cherished the most, I was myself. You'd be surprised by how short the list is. And I enjoyed every bit of it. But chaos doesn't really sit well with calm. It was  more of drain inside the storm... more of calm was just a word I passed by in the dictionary.

Hey... hope you didn't forget I said it's not supposed to be okay... because it really isn't. All the experiences I've been through, they scream and they shout and they tell me to give up. They tell me enough is enough and so is your existence. But charm from the few even those tiny conversations give me life and I can be better than the voice.

Experience. Fear. Abstinence. Pain. Positive??? Nahh positive kinda died when I got to this world. Hell I think I cried a day or 2. I guess all the negatives kind of piled on and made me into a sorry human. But at least not a shitty one. Damn I'm good. I don't really like fighting but I am well put and i can keep an intellectual and deep conversation with the people close to me. Hell i make strong bonds...or as I'd like to think i chose to think like that.

But that doesn't wipe away the fact that my past is a strong leg tie. Something that i drag around as i walk. No this cannot be described by an image. Because it is my soul in sight. I want to be able to say things without feeling sorry to the eyes that might judge. The eagles waiting to soar high with my biggest insecurities. The "cool kids".

But intelligence was also something I considered myself to have. So I fought hard for where I belonged. Even though the fight seemed weak... I was convinced. I was going to win.

But like i said.  My past held on to my foot so hard I had a permanent scar. And for a second of a drug high feeling, it let go. And guess what... it felt good. At the time it did...and yes I wanna believe in the notion that sang " The past is the past...focus on the present". But that was a luxury that I couldn't afford. It was a currency that existed in my dreams.

So it's  not okay to be okay when you're not. It's not okay to feel like you have the answers but all you have is the echo of a thousand bullies. Kindness is rare but its sweet and if it wasn't yours... you yearn for it. It's not okay to say you're okay when your heart is crying...

It's not okay to succumb to the need of approval. It's sad and the issue is not you... it's the people around you for not noticing. And for noticing and ignoring it. You matter and I say again it is definitely okay not to be okay. At least now I'm sure I'm not...

SOUR STUMBLE BLOCKS

Heavy. Have you felt heavy? Have you been heavy? Heavy is what today is all about. Heavy runs back to back with the piece of apple that stuck on Adam's throat. One that changed humanity. That type of energy heavy. So you can stop here. But for those willing to hear the words of a tired soul...let's indulge.

Do you know how positivity fills you in when you begin to feel a so called "connection"? How well you think you know where it's all headed. Living in the abuse of demise. Demise that represented your will. 
You let yourself in, knowing all the rules. All the circumstances. The divine knowledge you'd gained from a funny adage that goes "experience is your best teacher". But this student skipped class and the message was but words...oh sorry to the elites that created the adage!!! Your young ancestor simply didn't listen. And you know what they say about naive. Naive gets you in situations you couldn't ever handle. Fuck the masses. Fuck logic. Fuck reason. Here presents the solicited award for the clown of the year!

You get yourself one of those fancy little expensive imaginations knowing that soon you'll pay the cost. The cost of turning a blind eye. The cost of stupidity. So you run in like the loyal dog that you are and wait for your daily bone. The messages. The everything. At this point you're so sure. You let yourself believe that...Hey? He's really gonna be different...I trust my gut. No sis, you took a deep knife down your tummy, deep into the abyss of the fat that surrounds it and into the core of your soul. You took a leap of downfall. Faith had packed up and left with the last bus.

So you think,  it's cost effective to have expensive conversations with someone who has a mental issue. And that's on me. I'm the issue. And I didn't know that at that time. Or maybe I did, i just missed the heart break. To be honest heartbreaks just dont sink that deep...they last a couple days and that's that.  But craving sadness was an apple a day and i had formed it and my oh my it felt good. Nutsssss!!!! Nobody thinks like that. People are cultured well at least depression is just an article in a book. But I dug a pit and I buried myself within the sand

Months in and ready for the kill. Why not carry a gun to this fight... since there's no difference with  taking a bullet. Armed with reasons to be,  I killed the reason to think. And that was treason to the state of my heart. So I was banished to death. Upon the words leaving the tip of my fingers since shy was my timely companion, the blow of a thousand fuck you's lit up in my face in tiny little progressive oncomings. The body was tired, the soul was freezing. Death!!!!

So who watches walking dead???. My beautiful well taken care of masterpiece of a photo up there... is a symbol of what happened. Darkness is a lively companion. And there comes a time when light surrounds dark and dark has no power. I mean, simply lighting up a torch kills darkness by a big margin. So yes, darling Blvck learnt that she needed to dissociate from societal dark days and personal demise.

So I changed. I dont allow the bull to come in. I'm the lighted pathway in the middle with a tiny pond of water. I'm a change and I don't want any of the mild surrounding negativity to rid me of my peace. So I depart, once more....

THE SUN SET

Don't you just love a red sky. The way it looks when it touches your skin. Staring into the big blue ocean. This is one of the reasons I love Coast. Because, there's so much beauty in between the chaos. Have you been to the coast? It's mostly beautiful memories with some really major sun burns if you don't  care for your skin. But this...this is not about the beach. It's about a sun set. About the sky turning red. For a couple of minutes...hours if you're lucky. To the dark sea that's ready to turn into darkness. Sun set. How the sun hides in between the clouds creating horizons that make you feel warm. But, there's always the cold gaze of the sea. Black but beautiful. And I can't  help but wonder... is this how life is supposed to be. Can I get you into my mind a little bit... promise not to show you the black hole.

You're born. You have this great family that's there to welcome you. Cause if you think about it... water begins in droplets. Then droplets settle together to form one big blue. Ocean, sea, river, dam, fall, anything you see in the form of water. So it's a family. And that's exactly how family is when you're a baby. Everything is perfect.

You see how the sea has a beautiful blue in a clear slightly cloudy sky. It looks... I think I should show you.

That is exactly how I see it. Something that's calm.  That's how your first days are.
Then you have to grow up and go through some major storms. I mean. Getting picked on in school. Failing in some of your good parts...like studies. The noise. The insults on both ends. You want to avoid it all because you can't leave. Leaving means defeat and you've come too far to get defeat. But the storms are raging everything feels empty.

Clearly... you hate it. You have to rock both sides. You have to please society and maintain sanity when dealing with demanding people. People who are supposed to supposedly walk with you. It gets tiring
Then you grow somewhat mature. You "come into the world". Damn, I hated that phrase. What you mean...was I living under a rock all these years? I mean... I know I was breathing...come on I was walking back and forth. You saw me. I know you did. So you have to remind yourself that they have a heart and good memory and one day they might reform. But days get colder and sometimes you just turn to ice. Cold as the weather.
But it's not always dull. It's not always crazy. Sometimes the sun sets. That burning hot feel...that tanning hot. That eye tear that's in a dry eye. The sweat. It fades when the sun sets. Because the sun... gets to give us a little warmth even when our days are feeling colder. There's that warmth. And I wouldn't die for anything because when you get that warmth. You can finally breath and live.
You can cut out the bull... say fuck to the people who dont see value in you...do you...kill em with kindness till their souls get cut off. Do it. Just don't lose yourself in the demise. Because demise can get cooler sometimes. And I dont mean colder...I mean flex. Haha...like the chill kinda weather. Like a sun set...you dig?

SURVIVOR

Can we just...
breath for a minute.
Experience... is a teacher... but it's not the best teacher because that would mean I deserved it. Being strong at a young age was something I needed to be. Being someone who feels instant emotion. Being someone who kills the emotion instantly. Being alive. Because being alive helps maintain the sanity. Not for you though. For all the others.
You know having to see your heart torn to pieces makes you yearn for it. See a bully and instead of retreating... you listen to it bark and watch it  bite and all you can do is stay still. To survive... you need to survive.
I believe in the funny side of seeing it all... but you should never wish to see it all...especially not in the centre. Feeling used. Like the tool and the fool you became because they said... maybe, you came. Then in rushes the storm.
You see how you jump a hurdle and land in quick sand. Then luckily a hand pulls you out then you slide off into a big pile of sharp rocks. That's how it is being a survivor.  Because the energy to fight is put into the energy to survive.
I was never born to be hostile. Hostility was my biggest fear and now I just welcome it. Why? Because... hostility gets you a name. Not a frame. Being the girl who's getting judged like the paintings in an art gallery. Some find you okay but others think you were spat out and 1 out of 10 times they are right. Are you that 1????
But surviving means one day they will realise that you stopped caring and thats when they will believe the insults hurled at you like hot rocks on a burning body, killed you. Well not physically because your heart is beating... but because you quit caring. You stopped wondering and you just let things be without feeling any kind of fear.
Surviving isn't nice though. Its colourful I'll give you that because you always get those 20 people reminding you how strong you are. But tbh...I don't like hearing those words. You're strong. I don't wanna be strong honey...I want that shoulder to cry on when the world feels heavy...not some suppressed log in the throat and going to bed on sedatives. Because of the headache that's killing you.
But surviving is important if it's your only option. At least you finally get to breath when you stay away from the bullshit. And find awesome people to complement your not so perfect life. Damn... I would've wrote lie. But like they say ...fake it till you make it.
 Puff the smoke... down the shots... dance it off... sing it out... dread the tears...drown the fears... kill the essence... make it flawless and just be yourself. Because you never left you at any point...and most importantly because you survived.

CHOCOLATE

I'd have made it fancy because chocolate is a gift. But then again... chocolate is the color of my skin. And my skin is fancy. Why? Because we stand out. You know. When anybody a little color-less sees you...they see a petty little thief. But isn't chocolate smooth. As smooth as our skin. Chocolate is sweet. Being black is beautiful. I mean... you can chill in the sun. And not get tanned. You only get to be darker and I think that that's beautiful. But then chocolate is also prone to melting. When you flame up chocolate... it melts. So this is the story of a bar of chocolate.

School was amazing. You know... she stood out. Ella did. She had beautiful big brown eyes and was a fine curvy well cultured woman. Cause you know... she became mature at a young age. So color was her nickname. Because if you get black ink on a white dress...hey... it stands out.. right??? So Ella goes to school with a beautiful smile. And you know what. Her smile was brown because of her lips. Brown like the skin of a male strong German Shepherd. She was beautiful. Oh my the number of teachers that wanted her in their class. The number of friends that lined up. But then you know something about colour...is it stains. And who likes a stain huh?


Came the teacher in class and started those bad jokes about how back home... she lived in a cave and maybe the only school she's been too was sponsored by some activist. And that's when colour felt like that little stain on a white shirt that could become irritating. Then came the tiny mistakes like being the only one with complete assignments. The only one with good language skills. And that became an issue. Those who lined up cancelled out beauty and placed colour inside. Colour felt sad. Colour melted. Just....just like chocolate melts.

I'll spare the gory details cause racism isn't going away. Generations will come and insecurity will still be a problem. The beauty of being chocolate is when you become cold you become strong. And you go back to being bold beautiful and loved by even those who wanted to ruin you. Because...chocolate...even when it melts. It still tastes good. And no one... ever gives up on chocolate. Because chocolate is where we belonged.

Take a deep breath... will you? I know some of you didn't. But it doesn't matter because...this narrative will make it clear to you what depression feels like. If you know the feeling...maybe I'll get a few nods... maybe... If yours has gotten to this extreme. But hey... I'm not trying to bring you fear. I'm trying to make it all clear.

You know the constant emotion of... "what is it that I am?"
" hey...you know what...maybe they're right?".

Cause mama echoed and dug the deep holes that dried up. The tears that stopped flowing. Not because everything is okay... but because mama believes you're lazy. And you know the notion that they are always right. But I'm not here to talk about mama... I'm here to talk about depression. And I'll kick it off with a story perhaps. Are you ready... emotional darlings let's delve into the situation. Deeper. Right to the core of it all. All its essence and all its ugly... you know...really ugly.
Imagine waking up. And you get a whiff of your image on a mirror. Then you just step back. You take a big look at yourself because hey...you dreamt of demise. Because sadness was where you felt comfortable. Because sad is glad. And because glad is all sad felt... sad ruled. Sad became you and sad became your best bud. So you look at that mirror and you die. Spooky huh? No I mean. You are so disappointed at how you've ended up. But then you're like...they said it's fine to feel broken. Makes you a responsible bitch. Not a demonic one ready to pounce.

Then you step out with your really great earphones...hey a witch's got to flex sometimes.
And you take your daily fast stroll to school and you're like... "oh fuck... I got to socialise today so that I don't look like a bitch." No.  Believe me I got some amazing friends. You just never wanna stop talking to them...but the situation was a blur. It was one of those days when sad and I needed to be alone. Me and my best bud feeling it all. Dont get me wrong I'm a huge fan of sad... wanna know why??? Because sad is reality. Sad knows that if they make a comment like ....yoo shes so big...or yooo shes got mad insecurities...sad tells me that hey they really aren't that wrong. Not because I'm feeling pity for myself, but because half the words in their heads are like a toned down bit of all the insults my mind shouts in my head everyday like a fucking goddamn tape on repeat....breeeeeaaattthhhhh!!!!!! Breath... because this is just a whiff of what a shitty brain I have. But hey sometimes lil shitty can become a great conversation sparked... I know right...so darn glam... but hey today it's all about the depression.
Depression is always carrying a hard lump in your throat because of the things you've experienced in life. The pain and the torment of echoing memories. Memories that don't seem to see you trying so hard to get rid of them...but shit's like throwing a boomerang. The worst kind of pain is when your whole body is numb and your eyes are burning cause you want to cry but then you slowly swallow that feeling because you are numb. And you just make fucked up decisions like finishing a whole bottle of rum with no chaser and smoking blunts back to back till your voice gets hoarse.
That feeling when you're arguing with the one that you love and you feel them cutting the thread of hope you have in them in very big steps. And the little deadly jokes made in between your biggest fears and regrets.

But hey too much of sad isnt going to do any of us good. So I'm just going to highlight that being depressed isn't pretty. And as much as you come at people who are depressed claiming they want it for themselves then clearly you do not know what is going on in their heads 24/7. The pain and the feeling you have God knows where to someone who's laughing his ass off to a meme somewhere. To someone having a beautiful relationship somewhere. To someone who has it all. To someone who just...

Anyway. Depression is not a game. It's a disease. If you find a friend or someone failing from this disease....hold their hands and make them feel loved.... God knows they deserve this. They deserve love. Give it to them and just be there for them and they will be so grateful. They will love and adore every bit of help they get.

DEPRESSION IS REAL... It can come for you anytime so be happy if you do not get a visit...

BREATH, MAYBE?

Casie... I know y'all her fans huh. Well you know how occasionally the things you experience in life influence you? She knew it all. The eye rolls... the stares. And well, you know... the occasional pat on the back...claiming strength. But it was not okay. One time lucky...two times lessons...three times empty. You know that thread that you want to bead up and give life. Give colour...shape.. yeah she was way past that. The strength of a million compliment wasn't that strong in her mind.  All but wonder is what she thought of. But mommy dearest should help Cassie cast out the cast in her body. The mummifying cloth wraps around her body that needed to be sewn. The belief that an ear to plead with was present... but was it?
You know those times when you want to just... be there. You know. They lived together, might as well act like it huh...! Huh? But then there's  an extent to a joke. And those jokes went on too far... hey let's cut the pace a bit and bring it back to where it all started. But then that's a whole other story so...why not proceed...right?
So alcohol is a beautiful dream only with major consequences the next day. And having complete knowledge about it and still taking the leap of faith is monstrous. Hell I believe its badass. But Casey never cared. She did it all. In fact she downed her own little...'quota'  bottle not just once...but three times maybe. Everyone stared.
Wow....how could a girl even. Why would she. She brought herself up on her feet...climbed upon a chair and went to the top of the table and she whispered very loudly to her housemates...

"You know what???? I was raped...!!!"


She then let out the most excruciating painful laughters  in a span of a minute. The  she held her breath and said...


"Did you hear me??? I'm suffocating".


They all looked at her like she was mad. A mad woman but what she was was terrified. She was lost in the abyss of her tormenting mind. She was there with all the questions and it ate her up and she puked. But... her housemates.. spoon fed her all her vomit and gave it to her raw..

"So what's that got to do with us...I mean you only refused a good time handed out to you"

I mean Casey couldn't believe her ears. I mean I don't. Do you?
Casey sat back down and ordered a glass of the good bad stuff and all it tasted like was regret and wonder. Am I an actual person? Did they hear me really?

Hey... do you?

THE PAINFUL TRUTH

THE PAINFUL TRUTH
Happy? Elated? Excitement? These are all feelings you get when you are with the man you want to love right? She had them. All of them. That feeling of having someone who wants you back but hey, he doesn't do labels. Labels are sooo demanding. We can do it all only... we aren't really together. We are just...you know...friends who vibe. But that's not what she felt. She wanted more but she could only keep it to herself. He always brought it up when he asked her to sit on his lap. He always asked if she wanted more but she had to play the game. And maintain her sanity. So she always answered, "Well, I don't know, what do you think" but for some reason, he always planted kisses before she could hear his sentiments. The excited feeling of having your crush plant kisses on your lips made her feel like she was where she belonged. You see the judgements were kept to a bare minimum. Aside from the occasional bad jokes that can actually hurt. But those were rare... at least.. I believe her. So she marvelled at what a wonderful interior hiding over all that negative exterior. How he really felt. But it was toxic. Toxic to the core because a moment's happiness felt so hopeless because of what was bound to happen. I mean... she didn't see it coming. It just. Happened. So she became brave one day and little Casey stamped a case. She brought him to her house. Amidst her parents missing and... her brother sleeping. So he came and he hid in her room. And in between words he kissed her. Oh those lustful lips. That tender heaven. That... moment's happiness. Intense..huh. Well the narrative continued. They kissed and he didnt even at any time make her feel uncomfortable. And that's when she planted herself right into the cheese trap. Poor little Casey...oh what have you done!!!! So one day came and it was the holidays and here came the chance to be with the one who gave her butterflies. It was a long day for Casey believe me... I mean... all the exhaustion from travelling but still sat 2 hours to a place with the man who makes her knees go weak. Numb. So she went into the house and you know...did the occasional drug roll. And happy that she found solace in a very bad boy who just wore his disguise with a wonderful interior. So she was tired. And she needed some rest but what she didn't know was Roy was done resting. He was done being in a hot smelly sweaty suit. He wanted out. He needed out at least he wanted to cum. So she... closed her eyes and little she had a pat on her shoulder and she turned to face the man of her dreams. More like the man of her nightmare and there... she snapped. She kissed his wet lips.. but they weren't wet enough to make her wet. And just as she thought she was done... he grabbed her!Pulled her by the waist... took it all off... happened in a goddamn flash... BOOOMMMM!!!! Her smile started peeling off...

What are you doing???
Why are you doing this???
Hey could you stop!!!
Hey that hurts!!!
Hey that's painful!!!
Wait!!!
No!!!!
Leave me alone!!!
I trusted you!!!
Why!!!

He just rocked his hips like a mad dog and he devoured every inch of her living thread. He...ruined her. She stared at him cause her voice was melting. And... he just...came. he groaned so loudly but she... cried! She shed so many tears and... she couldn't think anymore. She stood up...and God help me took a puff of her blunt. And she walked out. She staggered away to the cars and waited for the car to run. She... her heart was crying out and her tears were drying up...


Should I live???...