HUH????

 

I mean exactly. Huh? Like what was that? Like what in the hell was that? Well before I get all dramatic. Before I start mnyambuliko was vitenzi. I think this was where we were supposed to apply those funny Swahili way of speech we were taught. 

It's been a minute, right? Well here I am. Here I am in dee flesh writing after being away for a long while. 

So why,... huh? 

Well you see. Things have been pretty crazy in my life. But I choose not to share. Because where's the fun in that? So. Things have been typically crazy for me this January. Azin. Bro. 

2020 WASN'T HALF THIS BAD. 2020 WAS A FUCKING BREEZE PEEPS. BREEEZZEEE!!!

Why am I being overly dramatic? It's cause I've never felt this much since I don't know when. Tihihi. Yeps. Its been crazy, real, damn, huge emotional rollercoaster. Ah. 

Lakini strong strong tupo!! Jeshi!!

So. What actually made me write this time round was. I am surprised by how mean people can be. Like yo? Hujui jokes. Hujui kurelax siste.

 Wozzup. Wozzpopinn.

I mean. What's so wrong about a girl's inability to do one thing. I mean. Before you go ahead and judge. Show me how you control your flaws. Show me the puppeteer that you are. Show me how you manipulate everything into going your way. Show me your billions. 

I mean. Billionaires are entitled to egos. I mean. They could buy off your whole street. 

But who are you? Why does someone else's peaceful existence have to include you? 

Don't be selfish!!!!!

Relax. 

Let's be realistic. Half the insecurities we make fun of from other people, belong to us. And what are you doing Kings and Queens? Why are we making it so hard to breath when we could just breath. We don't need those inhalers peeps. Why should someone control the air you breath?

Ah! These selfish hypocrites hiding behind religion. I mean. God sees through your shit... you're not so special. The world is supposed to be a better place. Not grounds for being a dictator to someone else's life. What makes you think you're so supreme?

Well. I just wish. Some day. People will stop being bad just because they think it'll make them cooler. And they'll let people go if they only know they're going to hurt them. 

A little peace wouldn't hurt now,  would it?

...

I MEAN, WHY NOT?

I sat here and wondered. Why should I do it anyway? I mean. A man comes. A man goes. Pun most definitely not intended. Have your laugh. It's fine. Really. But, what of you? 

I get it. It's depressing. Most of the time you aren't really crying because of the betrayal. I mean. Let's be real. You miss it. 

But now it's gone. It's... kapoof! Its disappeared.  And you have to start again. You have to go back to square one, only with this so called "heartbreak"

Let's be real. Is it really heartbreak? Well it might feel like a heart break because it just didn't end up with happy smiles and funny titles.

 "Couple goals" if you may. 

But why should that be the end. Honey we've all gotten our "hearts broke" by something. I don't really think I should call that a heartbreak. I call it proof of your chest feeling deep emotions. But feeling sad because it gave them to the wrong person. 

Lemme tell you why I don't believe in heartbreaks. Because the minute you find a good relationship. And settle. Like give it all up. Give up expectations. Give up things like type. And just really listen to your heart. 

I mean, how many of y'all have experienced happiness with a guy but shut him off just because, and Ladies correct me if I'm wrong.,

 "He's not good looking enough for the photos." 

Or

 " my friends are gonna find this hilarious."

Why do you care so much about what people say when your heart is literally exploding inside. Loving men you know are gonna tap the next ass that jiggles. Men who lack respect for women. Men who feel entitled to love while doing nothing but giving dicks to girls who really need their carrots. 

But, even though love feels bitter. Love is really worthit. Because as soon as you get to love someone, you'll forget everything about your heartbreak. Because you've chosen to build a life with this man and he understands that. 

Come on darlings, let's be positive about life. Shall we?

CHANGE

Believe me when I say, changing is the hardest task the minute you get comfortable. But comfortable wasn't ever in the books. It was like an image I seemed to paint in the minds of those who felt frustrated. That I was comfortable being who I was. But, shall we call it psychological? I mean what are the odds you become a totally different person if you tried. But the thrill of the moment is the comfort of the unknown. 

Now, once you're used to a certain way of living, those who pay attention, which is mostly nil most of the time, see you. They see what's going on. But the ones that see you more, are those occasional glances from a person you say hi to if you feel the urge to.

Why though? Because that momentary view of you could stick a particular image of you on them. So what is it that I'm saying. I'm saying that I changed. So abruptly but so beautifully. I'm not sure I've addressed this before but I've been meaning to. So, if you do not mind at all, shall we go for a ride. Let's go visit the person I once was.

Early in the morning I'd wake up feeling like another ugly day has come. Why? I only wanted the day to end and wind up in bed or on the couch munching away. Waiting for morning to go see people hoping it wasn't that day when my overthinking got the better of me. I mean. I used to select what to be sad about that night. Not because it was comfortable, but because it helped feel real. I mean. It was my reality at the time. I'd go to school and have the time of my life with my friends. But then, we weren't glued together 24/7. So here comes the demons riding their way in a tuk tuk. So noisily...so loudly. I think I even used to get indigestion when I ate alone. Wah. It was crazy I'm not gonna lie. And watching people come and go kinda became a normal thing. So I only acted like I tried but in the end it was better as soon as they left. Because now no more expectations.

Then, came a time now. When I decided I was gonna take one long break from reality. I surprised myself. I was like, girl let's see how you're gonna behave when you don't use your phone too much. So I told my mother as soon as we closed school, that I needed a change of actions. So I did. I removed both my lines, put them in a beautiful watch box and just never took them out for 4 beautiful months. I mean the sight of it was just... ç'est magnifique. I had an amazing time having one on one conversations with myself. Well I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the 1-2 notifications. I did. But then I needed to be disciplined. I could've backtracked if I wanted but I didn't. I had both sim cards and I'm the one who kept them away. I had to tell lies here and there but if i didn't take the time off I'd be in bad shape right now.

Now, came the down slip. Corona happened. I was so frustrated. I had kept my weight loss goals in check and I was looking prettier and healthier than ever. But the thing is, i just heard one controversial statement and i slipped up. Then i started postponing. I was like no, let's just get it over with after my birthday passes by. So what did I do, I just ate. The snacks were so many, mmmhhh chocolate. Daamn I never wanted it to end. And mother just kept on providing for lil old me. Then I started the journey again but this time with less conviction. I mean it only took hearing my bro say, "unafanya diet na unaeza kufa na corona" so I fell out. But not for long because I knew enough was enough.

So what happened next was bliss. I just decided to change completely. I got out of bed early in the morning at around 5:00 am and made my bed. And afterwards I'd keep myself busy. Started eating different and working different. Drinking lots of water. And avoiding sadness like the plague. I make sure I start my day dancing to some fire song that I just discovered the previous day. I'd make sure when I was angry or sad, I'd declare, literally, that I was not about to ruin my good moods. And just like that I'd relax my frowning face and just smile the day away. Now all that's left is to change the way I interact with people and stop being afraid of my own skin. 

Change is pretty. If you want it to be. And I want it to continue being beautiful until I blossom into the best version of myself. I've been talking about myself here too much. Well, brushing over the details. Giving you a piece of me, but just enough for it not to be the whole of me. Because I believe everyone is wired differently. But for sure so long as you fight to stay alive feeling good about yourself when you can, then you will get that spark in you that makes you wanna be productive. Always. And you'll smile at the person you've become.

And who wouldn't want that?

What's So Wrong With Heartbreaks?

 

What really makes us feel so bad for allowing ourselves to be heart broken?... I mean. Before I even begin to describe how exactly I feel about heartbreaks. Let's make sure I've said, this is purely my personal opinion. Feel free to be offended but that's on you. I'm all about beauty and happy nowadays. 

So what! He/She said no? He/She got handsy with someone else when you're so taken away by their simple existence? So? MOVE. 

But remember, you're human. And once your heart breaks, then you know you are capable of love. And sure the process of finding it is a little bit harder. But why should you worry? You're living right. And basically it's their loss. I mean. You're a pure gem. Sounds cringy when you read it, but it's just the truth. You've polished yourself to being a person who's capable of love. And as sure as they say, what belongs to you will find you.

Heartbreak, I believe. Creates a new door. Like, step out of it first. Fix yourself. Fix your life. Then, be happy. Because you can. You just have to find it. Cause, as sure as you aren't giving up in the hope of finishing your course despite the many complaints you got piled on. You do not have to give up on love at all.

I know. Sounds like I haven't had it rough. But believe me honey, I've had it once. Falling in love with someone who has someone else, or someone who doesn't wanna ruin your friendship. Even the cringiest of statements. I've heard them all. I mean, it came with the body. But I'm fixing that. See. Heartbreak kinda helps as soon as you heal from it. And choose to learn a thing or 2 about how to take care of yourself. Your image. 

Now. Heartbreaks sure hurt a bunch. They can come in any form. You don't have to get a heartbreak because of a partner. It could even be within the love in a family. The fact that everything screams at you and tells you to leave, but you still stay because you have so much love for your family. Immense. So why give it up? Sure it's kinda toxic. But it's your toxic. And you have to deal. Because you share the blood in your veins. Well, not unless its poisonous.

Now, happiness seems far fetched. But it's in the little things that you grow. Be happy for the little things. Your skin glows. Smile. You get good grades. Smile. You love hard. Smile. And you are an amazing person to live with. Smile. Fun friend. Smile. Be happy for all your little achievements. Then people's opinions will always seem like a blur.

Now I have got loads to say. But even good writers know when to rest their hands. They need to be in good shape for the next good read. 

Bye my sweet readers.😊💜❤

NIGHTS LIKE THESE...

Sometimes, happiness is a choice. I chose it. But that doesn't mean I don't get mad or sad. It just means I choose not to. Because in the end, you are the only one who can help yourself. And I mean this with none other than personal experience. I was always looking for someone to hold on to. Someone who would just tell me everything would be okay. Constantly. But that just doesn't exist in the books anymore.

I had people who cared. But then. People do get tired of your shit. They question if you actually really wanna heal. And the more the questions the more you pile on dirt on yourself. The more you feel like a burden. The more you're drawn to suicide. The more you stop caring about how you look, what you wear, how you take care of yourself. 

People will straight up compare your situation with someone else's. A situation that you've never been in. A situation that isn't going to solve however bad your feeling for yourself. People manifest themselves in ways that they believe are best. Hell if you heard them speak you'd think they won an award in counselling. But what for? They really aren't seeing you. They are just seeing the people they did it for before and for some miraculous reason worked on them.

Now. Who you choose to share your personal problems with are all your decisions to make. And never feel bad about it. They might not understand. But one thing is for sure. You, understand yourself. You do. I mean who better? You have your shoes so definitely you know how much they sting. So find it. Find the strength in yourself to take the shoes off. Because if you believe that no prince charming or princess is coming to take it off you, the lesser the effort to walk towards a fleeting dream it takes.

I've began all this by saying a lot about how people don't care. Because fr they don't. But healing is a process so you do you till you feel like you can breath again. I'm a living breathing testimony that you really can do it. There's some kind of light at the end of this endless dark tunnel. Just trust and you'll definitely find it.

Insecurities pile on. For sure. And believe me people like to associate themselves with people who look good on them. Well at the very least most people do. If you rub them the wrong way. And I mean you could be the kindest and sweetest person ever, but that's not what they see. 

Today, there was a discussion in a group I'm in about brands. And why people buy them. And simply, they wanna look cool. Same case with human association. People wanna look cool hanging out with people who do. And if you just don't fit the description, prepare yourself for discrimination. Well, they might keep you if you don't fit the description because you have something to offer. For instance, cash. You may be a bank to them. They'll take advantage.

Well, there's so much shit to smear on the shitty reality we are living. Which is why what is most of essence, is inner peace. Inner peace. Protect yourself. Protect your heart. Trust your instincts. Move carefully. Don't let people fuck you up. Or mess you up. Live. And I hope with a most sincere heart, that you find happiness.

Bless💜.

LOADS TO SAY...

 Well. I was busy minding my bizz. Playing my favourite pastime Eurotruck. Damn that game is everything. From hard, to demanding, to stressful, to fulfilling and... well I have no particular word for it. Then I was just wondering, should I just write? Cause somehow it calms me down. I'm not mad or anything. I'm not even sad or happy I'm just in the inbetween. I don't really have anyone I wanna talk to at the moment so I'll talk to the eyes that have been with me since I started writing.

I was playing, listening to the good tunes and this random thought just came to me. Actually so many random thoughts came to me. Because my mind is a textbook of thoughts. I was wondering, why I like the boys I'm attracted to, what caused it? I was also wondering what events led to my thought process ending up the way it is. Because my mind is a movie. I've acted so many things in my head and I've succeeded in some but failed in others. I've even played out a couple of death scenes in my head, my own death. Don't let that terrify you, the thought just really really gets me going. 

Just the other day, I came off my comfort zone. Literally. Damn. I was so comfortable doing the wrong things. All the wrong things. Things that I was sure either irritated me or made me mad or things that just made me sorry for my existence. But like I said before, I'm done with that negative ish. Tihihi, I don't normally say ish I just think it's interesting. TMI? Hell nah. Haha this is my blog so go with it😏.

But then one thought that's lingered for days, is why do we behave the way we behave? I mean. We  clearly know talking shit about someone we dislike is wrong but we still do it. I came off my comfort zone so smoothly I'm wondering why I never did it earlier on. Maybe I wasn't ready for the change. Maybe I convinced myself that staying the way I was I'd maybe find happiness in the exact same way. INSANITY. LITERALLY. So why do we do it?

Let's use the foul word fat. Say I am fat. Now, I have had friends who'd console me about the same. Still do. Telling me so loudly so passionately, 

'Be comfortable in your own skin. Love yourself. You are beautiful. What they say doesn't matter.' 

Wanna know the mediocre part of it all. In the evening when I go through their statuses, I randomly come across memes that make fun of fat people. Or memes that belittle fat people. And a couple of laughing emojis. Kwanza zile zenye ziuanguka kwa floor juu ya vile meme ni funny yaani. Wah! Ogopa! 

Why did they do it? I ask myself. Why are you telling me that which you don't believe yourself. Why do we do it? Why do we manipulate yet when we are manipulated we are totally and utterly defensive. We say out loud, aki sijafanyiwa poa. Yet, yet, you just did that to someone else. 

Kwanza this one makes me laugh so hard. When a guy comes and tells me how he hates girls who cheat. Damn. Ata karibu ararue mtoto wa wenyewe ngozi juu ya vile "Nairobi" girls are super reckless. Fucking every Tom, Dick and Harry. But then, the same same nigg, gets into a relationship and is hitting on you so vigorously unaeza dhani anataka kukuoa. Why??????

We preach so so much water but we are still the same ones drinking bitter choking whiskey. Why?Another thing. Girls. We see all the warning signs, yaani in bold. This guy totally doesn't like you. Doesn't respect you. But we still there creeping telling ourselves some foul lies of how they are still adjusting to the relationship, when the only thing adjusting is the direction their dicks erect. I mean why?

Hypocrites is what we are. It's a general word and so many of us need to stop being hypocritical. Fr fr. Don't feign loyalty when immediately a problem arises, you don't bother to find out both sides of the story. Or quick to post the rumors you just figured out on your story without finding out the truth. Apo saa izo umeexclude mtu unasengenya kuona. If you're so confident about your crap, why are you hiding?

Shall we all step out of our comfort zones? Shall we? Can we stop creating casualties and acting like helpless victims when we go through the same? Can we just make it peaceful for everyone? Can we please just mind our own business if it does not involve us in any way? 

I understand 'udaku' is sweet. But if you love it so much, why not learn to hold hurtful information. Not unless it's information that will build your fellow friend. Or foe. 

Well, I know this particular piece didn't have a particular direction and I know, words really do fall on deaf ears. Eyes, in this particular case. But I was just wondering really. Why do we do it? 

Can people really change? 

I don't know. And I never will. But it was interesting writing this down. 

All in all, let's be good peeps. It costs nothing guys, really. Free for all. No one's angry and everyone ends up happy.🤭

DEATH

 

 

I believe this is where you can say, I had you in the first half, ngl. Because well you'll see. I remember going on a hiatus a couple months ago. Came back, wrote a piece on what makes people tick. Didn't get that much viewership but I'm still grateful for the eyes that skimmed through my work. And now here I am, presenting you a topic that most prefer to avoid.

Have you ever thought about death? If so, do tell🤭. You know where to find me. I know when I used to carry depression on my back daily, it was always there staring at me. You know, I had the guts and the reason. I would've gone for it. Only hitch is that I'm not gonna let the people who I love and clearly love me back suffer because I couldn't handle my own pain. And funny because I came across requited love just recently. And I'm not talking the romantic type, no. I went and got myself a whole family. Yeah yeah I'll never get tired of talking about it.

So you might be wondering, what exactly is it that I mean when I name this piece death. What comes with death? Are you thinking? Probably not cause I'm supposed to be coming up with the answers for you. Otherwise why the hell would you be reading this? With death, comes new life. Yes. New life stems from death.

Not a new baby. No. I mean your life is going to change when  someone close to you dies. Why? Because that part of your life just got curved out. Let's get closer, shall we? 

Imagine losing your own child. Tragic. Because the one that was once part of you, literally came from you is gone. And now, you are presented with the task of living different. Because your usual routine that involved your dear one, can't exist anymore. 

I chose death. I chose to kill off everything that was weighing me down and I buried it deep inside the earth. What exactly is it that I killed? I killed worry. I killed depression. I killed suicidal thoughts. I killed care for that which does not deserve my care. I killed it all. And for the first time in my life, I chose to live.

I saw myself in the eyes of many. The eyes of the critics because everything that can talk, can criticize. They say all the ugly things and that's exactly how i lived. Say person A called me weak, I'd assume the form and grow weak. Say person B called me fat, I'd feed on all that was wrong and satisfy the appeal of my mind that said, that's who I am. Say person C called me ugly, I'd always sweat up when a sexy stranger walked by in case they spat on my face. Annoying right? I mean, nilikuwa ninaSTRUGGLE!

But then, I took a break from reality. Yes, after coming back from dissociation I was still a lil bit sad. But it's all gone now. Because now, I simply ask myself, why not? I mean. If some mean asshole comes up to my face and is displeased with what I wear or how I talk, why should I be mad? Why not be happy? Their loss. They could close their eyes if their field of view is getting distorted because of your presence. 

I asked myself, all those tears I cried, aren't they enough? I told myself that I've cried all the tears for my future and so I should make sure I shed my tears only at the loss of life, see I chose death. I did. Because, why should someone, who's already forgotten all the insults they hurled at your face the minute you're gone, be tormenting you? Why? They don't matter. You don't share a bed or a life or a mind sis. I mean son. Why? 

I have wasted so many opportunities to grow and be filthy rich at the moment. Why? Because of my mind. Because I let all those insults pile and pile when I could be using my picture perfect memory to remember all the times I was happy. 

Right now, we trampling on these bitches. We doing this. We trampling on niggz that think their stupidity is going to weigh you down. We trampling on bitches who only run their mouth and have only good bodies to offer. We trampling on rude men, mean ladies, entitled asses, and useless tramps who only find joy in other people's demise. Because without the power to make you feel bad, they are just noisy empty trash cans that need to be thrown out. You dig?

If you live right, in your own eyes. If your soul is satisfied. If you have just one, you don't even need that many. Just one person, who appreciates you for who you are, then you are enough. You rock! You rule! You are the epitome of happiness because you deserve it. You live right. And you also deserve love. 

Don't you think?😊💜❤