What's So Wrong With Heartbreaks?

 

What really makes us feel so bad for allowing ourselves to be heart broken?... I mean. Before I even begin to describe how exactly I feel about heartbreaks. Let's make sure I've said, this is purely my personal opinion. Feel free to be offended but that's on you. I'm all about beauty and happy nowadays. 

So what! He/She said no? He/She got handsy with someone else when you're so taken away by their simple existence? So? MOVE. 

But remember, you're human. And once your heart breaks, then you know you are capable of love. And sure the process of finding it is a little bit harder. But why should you worry? You're living right. And basically it's their loss. I mean. You're a pure gem. Sounds cringy when you read it, but it's just the truth. You've polished yourself to being a person who's capable of love. And as sure as they say, what belongs to you will find you.

Heartbreak, I believe. Creates a new door. Like, step out of it first. Fix yourself. Fix your life. Then, be happy. Because you can. You just have to find it. Cause, as sure as you aren't giving up in the hope of finishing your course despite the many complaints you got piled on. You do not have to give up on love at all.

I know. Sounds like I haven't had it rough. But believe me honey, I've had it once. Falling in love with someone who has someone else, or someone who doesn't wanna ruin your friendship. Even the cringiest of statements. I've heard them all. I mean, it came with the body. But I'm fixing that. See. Heartbreak kinda helps as soon as you heal from it. And choose to learn a thing or 2 about how to take care of yourself. Your image. 

Now. Heartbreaks sure hurt a bunch. They can come in any form. You don't have to get a heartbreak because of a partner. It could even be within the love in a family. The fact that everything screams at you and tells you to leave, but you still stay because you have so much love for your family. Immense. So why give it up? Sure it's kinda toxic. But it's your toxic. And you have to deal. Because you share the blood in your veins. Well, not unless its poisonous.

Now, happiness seems far fetched. But it's in the little things that you grow. Be happy for the little things. Your skin glows. Smile. You get good grades. Smile. You love hard. Smile. And you are an amazing person to live with. Smile. Fun friend. Smile. Be happy for all your little achievements. Then people's opinions will always seem like a blur.

Now I have got loads to say. But even good writers know when to rest their hands. They need to be in good shape for the next good read. 

Bye my sweet readers.😊💜❤

NIGHTS LIKE THESE...

Sometimes, happiness is a choice. I chose it. But that doesn't mean I don't get mad or sad. It just means I choose not to. Because in the end, you are the only one who can help yourself. And I mean this with none other than personal experience. I was always looking for someone to hold on to. Someone who would just tell me everything would be okay. Constantly. But that just doesn't exist in the books anymore.

I had people who cared. But then. People do get tired of your shit. They question if you actually really wanna heal. And the more the questions the more you pile on dirt on yourself. The more you feel like a burden. The more you're drawn to suicide. The more you stop caring about how you look, what you wear, how you take care of yourself. 

People will straight up compare your situation with someone else's. A situation that you've never been in. A situation that isn't going to solve however bad your feeling for yourself. People manifest themselves in ways that they believe are best. Hell if you heard them speak you'd think they won an award in counselling. But what for? They really aren't seeing you. They are just seeing the people they did it for before and for some miraculous reason worked on them.

Now. Who you choose to share your personal problems with are all your decisions to make. And never feel bad about it. They might not understand. But one thing is for sure. You, understand yourself. You do. I mean who better? You have your shoes so definitely you know how much they sting. So find it. Find the strength in yourself to take the shoes off. Because if you believe that no prince charming or princess is coming to take it off you, the lesser the effort to walk towards a fleeting dream it takes.

I've began all this by saying a lot about how people don't care. Because fr they don't. But healing is a process so you do you till you feel like you can breath again. I'm a living breathing testimony that you really can do it. There's some kind of light at the end of this endless dark tunnel. Just trust and you'll definitely find it.

Insecurities pile on. For sure. And believe me people like to associate themselves with people who look good on them. Well at the very least most people do. If you rub them the wrong way. And I mean you could be the kindest and sweetest person ever, but that's not what they see. 

Today, there was a discussion in a group I'm in about brands. And why people buy them. And simply, they wanna look cool. Same case with human association. People wanna look cool hanging out with people who do. And if you just don't fit the description, prepare yourself for discrimination. Well, they might keep you if you don't fit the description because you have something to offer. For instance, cash. You may be a bank to them. They'll take advantage.

Well, there's so much shit to smear on the shitty reality we are living. Which is why what is most of essence, is inner peace. Inner peace. Protect yourself. Protect your heart. Trust your instincts. Move carefully. Don't let people fuck you up. Or mess you up. Live. And I hope with a most sincere heart, that you find happiness.

Bless💜.

LOADS TO SAY...

 Well. I was busy minding my bizz. Playing my favourite pastime Eurotruck. Damn that game is everything. From hard, to demanding, to stressful, to fulfilling and... well I have no particular word for it. Then I was just wondering, should I just write? Cause somehow it calms me down. I'm not mad or anything. I'm not even sad or happy I'm just in the inbetween. I don't really have anyone I wanna talk to at the moment so I'll talk to the eyes that have been with me since I started writing.

I was playing, listening to the good tunes and this random thought just came to me. Actually so many random thoughts came to me. Because my mind is a textbook of thoughts. I was wondering, why I like the boys I'm attracted to, what caused it? I was also wondering what events led to my thought process ending up the way it is. Because my mind is a movie. I've acted so many things in my head and I've succeeded in some but failed in others. I've even played out a couple of death scenes in my head, my own death. Don't let that terrify you, the thought just really really gets me going. 

Just the other day, I came off my comfort zone. Literally. Damn. I was so comfortable doing the wrong things. All the wrong things. Things that I was sure either irritated me or made me mad or things that just made me sorry for my existence. But like I said before, I'm done with that negative ish. Tihihi, I don't normally say ish I just think it's interesting. TMI? Hell nah. Haha this is my blog so go with it😏.

But then one thought that's lingered for days, is why do we behave the way we behave? I mean. We  clearly know talking shit about someone we dislike is wrong but we still do it. I came off my comfort zone so smoothly I'm wondering why I never did it earlier on. Maybe I wasn't ready for the change. Maybe I convinced myself that staying the way I was I'd maybe find happiness in the exact same way. INSANITY. LITERALLY. So why do we do it?

Let's use the foul word fat. Say I am fat. Now, I have had friends who'd console me about the same. Still do. Telling me so loudly so passionately, 

'Be comfortable in your own skin. Love yourself. You are beautiful. What they say doesn't matter.' 

Wanna know the mediocre part of it all. In the evening when I go through their statuses, I randomly come across memes that make fun of fat people. Or memes that belittle fat people. And a couple of laughing emojis. Kwanza zile zenye ziuanguka kwa floor juu ya vile meme ni funny yaani. Wah! Ogopa! 

Why did they do it? I ask myself. Why are you telling me that which you don't believe yourself. Why do we do it? Why do we manipulate yet when we are manipulated we are totally and utterly defensive. We say out loud, aki sijafanyiwa poa. Yet, yet, you just did that to someone else. 

Kwanza this one makes me laugh so hard. When a guy comes and tells me how he hates girls who cheat. Damn. Ata karibu ararue mtoto wa wenyewe ngozi juu ya vile "Nairobi" girls are super reckless. Fucking every Tom, Dick and Harry. But then, the same same nigg, gets into a relationship and is hitting on you so vigorously unaeza dhani anataka kukuoa. Why??????

We preach so so much water but we are still the same ones drinking bitter choking whiskey. Why?Another thing. Girls. We see all the warning signs, yaani in bold. This guy totally doesn't like you. Doesn't respect you. But we still there creeping telling ourselves some foul lies of how they are still adjusting to the relationship, when the only thing adjusting is the direction their dicks erect. I mean why?

Hypocrites is what we are. It's a general word and so many of us need to stop being hypocritical. Fr fr. Don't feign loyalty when immediately a problem arises, you don't bother to find out both sides of the story. Or quick to post the rumors you just figured out on your story without finding out the truth. Apo saa izo umeexclude mtu unasengenya kuona. If you're so confident about your crap, why are you hiding?

Shall we all step out of our comfort zones? Shall we? Can we stop creating casualties and acting like helpless victims when we go through the same? Can we just make it peaceful for everyone? Can we please just mind our own business if it does not involve us in any way? 

I understand 'udaku' is sweet. But if you love it so much, why not learn to hold hurtful information. Not unless it's information that will build your fellow friend. Or foe. 

Well, I know this particular piece didn't have a particular direction and I know, words really do fall on deaf ears. Eyes, in this particular case. But I was just wondering really. Why do we do it? 

Can people really change? 

I don't know. And I never will. But it was interesting writing this down. 

All in all, let's be good peeps. It costs nothing guys, really. Free for all. No one's angry and everyone ends up happy.🤭

DEATH

 

 

I believe this is where you can say, I had you in the first half, ngl. Because well you'll see. I remember going on a hiatus a couple months ago. Came back, wrote a piece on what makes people tick. Didn't get that much viewership but I'm still grateful for the eyes that skimmed through my work. And now here I am, presenting you a topic that most prefer to avoid.

Have you ever thought about death? If so, do tell🤭. You know where to find me. I know when I used to carry depression on my back daily, it was always there staring at me. You know, I had the guts and the reason. I would've gone for it. Only hitch is that I'm not gonna let the people who I love and clearly love me back suffer because I couldn't handle my own pain. And funny because I came across requited love just recently. And I'm not talking the romantic type, no. I went and got myself a whole family. Yeah yeah I'll never get tired of talking about it.

So you might be wondering, what exactly is it that I mean when I name this piece death. What comes with death? Are you thinking? Probably not cause I'm supposed to be coming up with the answers for you. Otherwise why the hell would you be reading this? With death, comes new life. Yes. New life stems from death.

Not a new baby. No. I mean your life is going to change when  someone close to you dies. Why? Because that part of your life just got curved out. Let's get closer, shall we? 

Imagine losing your own child. Tragic. Because the one that was once part of you, literally came from you is gone. And now, you are presented with the task of living different. Because your usual routine that involved your dear one, can't exist anymore. 

I chose death. I chose to kill off everything that was weighing me down and I buried it deep inside the earth. What exactly is it that I killed? I killed worry. I killed depression. I killed suicidal thoughts. I killed care for that which does not deserve my care. I killed it all. And for the first time in my life, I chose to live.

I saw myself in the eyes of many. The eyes of the critics because everything that can talk, can criticize. They say all the ugly things and that's exactly how i lived. Say person A called me weak, I'd assume the form and grow weak. Say person B called me fat, I'd feed on all that was wrong and satisfy the appeal of my mind that said, that's who I am. Say person C called me ugly, I'd always sweat up when a sexy stranger walked by in case they spat on my face. Annoying right? I mean, nilikuwa ninaSTRUGGLE!

But then, I took a break from reality. Yes, after coming back from dissociation I was still a lil bit sad. But it's all gone now. Because now, I simply ask myself, why not? I mean. If some mean asshole comes up to my face and is displeased with what I wear or how I talk, why should I be mad? Why not be happy? Their loss. They could close their eyes if their field of view is getting distorted because of your presence. 

I asked myself, all those tears I cried, aren't they enough? I told myself that I've cried all the tears for my future and so I should make sure I shed my tears only at the loss of life, see I chose death. I did. Because, why should someone, who's already forgotten all the insults they hurled at your face the minute you're gone, be tormenting you? Why? They don't matter. You don't share a bed or a life or a mind sis. I mean son. Why? 

I have wasted so many opportunities to grow and be filthy rich at the moment. Why? Because of my mind. Because I let all those insults pile and pile when I could be using my picture perfect memory to remember all the times I was happy. 

Right now, we trampling on these bitches. We doing this. We trampling on niggz that think their stupidity is going to weigh you down. We trampling on bitches who only run their mouth and have only good bodies to offer. We trampling on rude men, mean ladies, entitled asses, and useless tramps who only find joy in other people's demise. Because without the power to make you feel bad, they are just noisy empty trash cans that need to be thrown out. You dig?

If you live right, in your own eyes. If your soul is satisfied. If you have just one, you don't even need that many. Just one person, who appreciates you for who you are, then you are enough. You rock! You rule! You are the epitome of happiness because you deserve it. You live right. And you also deserve love. 

Don't you think?😊💜❤

WHAT MAKES YOU TICK?

WHAT MAKES YOU TICK????

At a point in time, around a week or two weeks ago, I randomly asked, "What makes you tick?"

So of course the question was sent out to a couple of decent numbers, and the answers were mind blowing to say the least. I expected less but instead i got much to ramble on and on about.

It's an odd question if you ask me. What exactly was my intent huh. As random as the question is, is exactly as random as the thought. The question has so many perspectives. Like are you asking me for an upfront answer?

Are you asking me to answer what moves me to so much negative energy or aura? 

(😹😹), for my tiny anime audience.

Or is it that you're asking me what makes me smile with such a warm embrace.

I don't know! Just tell me what you thought of as you heard the question.

So the answers came in. One of them was quite familiar. I know maybe quite most of you relate. Huge assumption there but i guess we go with what we get. 

FOOD!

Food makes me tick. Just the sweet ecstasy when that piece of good chicken lands on your tongue. That intense moment. That, "Damn, eating out today was quite the pay off" type of vibe. That moment your teeth grind over and over again as you devour the sweet sensation on your tongue. Licking your lips to make sure you don't miss any taste. Sparing no room for waste. Chewing that bone and leaving it raw. Sucking on your thumb because it got most of the action. Of course assuming you wash well😏. 

And I was bought. Because food does make me tick in various ways. Most especially after herb, puffs and munchies. But that's nuff about me. Let's head over to another answer.

LOUD CHEWERS! TOUCHEY FEELY UNPROVOKED HUMANS!!! 

Uuuggghhhh! Just the sound of it makes it so blegh! I mean why don't you keep the noise to your mouth. We are also enjoying ourselves. Why so boasty? That scrunchy noise in a silent peaceful environment. I don't know about you, but is a no for me. Well, relate much. Cause I did. I mean, some things make your mind and stomach crawl in different directions. Then those human beings who just cannot seem to keep their hands to themselves. I mean there is a reason consent exists. There is a reason hands are an extension of your body. Because that's where they should remain unless indicated otherwise. Ish, too much negative energy right, let's go to the next beauty.

MUSIC!!!!

My people, my people. Music makes people tick. Well I'll be damned if I say I don't belong to people. Music is a gift given to us by our ears. Music is the melody nature provides. The moment good vibrations are a wonderful bass track land on your ears. The moment those carefully scripted words leave our favorite artists' mouths. Damn. The way goosebumps linger on our skin when we hear that soul piercing note just carefully delivered. And the electronic gift that is ear phones. The minute that good high is flowing in your body and just the right songs are booming in your ears. That momentary close of your eyes. I mean if you don't do music, I don't know. Music is like a need, well, for me. Music most definitely makes me tick just as much as it does you.

SMELLY PEOPLE!!!!

Foooo!!! Take a shower son! Sis it doesn't feel too good. Perfumes and cologne really do exist. Why you coming to me when I'm vibing good in the morning with some wack ass stench from last week. I mean brother, you might shower but are your clothes clean too??? Why are you doing this to our innocent noses. I mean the lecturer can mumble but all I hear is, "Stenchy, dirty socks, wet shoes, damp clothing and sweat behind you". It's definitely too much. This is a one on one special. Buy soap! Sabuni, dawa la roho. At least make life peaceful not deadly. Talking about it is already making my skin crawl so moving on...

Now shall we head over to me. What makes your dear author tick?

PURPLE!!! 

The simple color purple. Purple is a color close to my heart. Not for any particular reason. But for so many reasons. The image theme for this post for instance. The title. An image I came across when I was browsing my dear beauty color. Why does purple make me tick? I mean. Maybe its because of how immediately peaceful I become after staring at it for too long. It's like God's personal gift for my eyes. When I see purple, ...forget the philosophy. I just fuck heavy with purple. I mean, why the hell not. 

It's the simple things in life that makes us happy. It is also the simple things in life that make us lash out. This is simply living. I mean we need all our emotions to pass off as a human being. At least one that feels. So whatever it is that rubs you off the right or the wrong way. It's what makes you you. 

I'm not so sure I included all the answers I got here. But I had my laugh and a fair share of good chats with those who came to me. And for this I say thank you. 

Jah bless.

AS I LAY,...

I wanted to write. Needed to write. Maybe it's partly because, I feel like i present my words in a clearer way. In a maybe captivating way. Because when i'm not being insecure, I'm prolly having the time of my life. Believing in myself. But I do believe that at times, you need to give it a break. And it's a well deserved one. For once, I want to stop thinking and just do.  And that means making the decisions I was once afraid to make. Not afraid of the consequences. Because sometimes, these same consequences make me into who I am.

So, to the few fans I garnered during my writing period. Need I say, my first writing period? Well I guess you don't have to worry. I'm just taking a very much needed hiatus. In my life, I've realized that the best decisions I made, happen when I'm away from everyone else. In my own world. And everything comes in phases, might be presumptuous to say that you are all aware of this. But, I am learning to make my world work in this world and my oh my I'm excited for what's in my future.

They say even the greatest know when they need to give it a rest, or they need to hold the strangely strong bull by it's horns and take initiative. Make it your slave. Be it's master. Be the director of your own life. With God of course, otherwise it's all merely worthless. But side note to the non-believers, yes it can happen to you too. I mean in the end we are all human. And if someone once achieved it we all damn can.

Who knows, maybe my next blog, will be about someone writing about me. Who knows, maybe the next time, I'll try to improve the reading culture. Maybe making a publishing company , who knows?  Success isn't limited. One thing I know for sure, again even though it's overrated, friendships are important. If you have one worth holding on to, don't fuck it up son. Sis take control of the situation and embrace loyalty.

True happiness, as I believe, is when you are generous with your smiles. Kind words. Tiny actions. Just be there for people, and the feeling of joy will overwhelm you. Well again, it's always a personal choice. But if you ever want to, get the temptation to, feel the urge to try, living like that... give it a try. Besides, it really is not life threatening.

Pain always seems bad, but not always. Pain heals too. Because then if you get unlucky once again to face it, it doesn't hurt as much as before. And this means, you don't and won't think about giving up. Besides once you climb that ladder, there's only one way up. And since you've seen the bottom, you climb clearly steered careful not to go back to that horrific place.

Otherwise, my dear readers, please take a moment and smile. Don't go ignoring me now, are you smiling? You sure? Najua one of you is prolly still thinking this is really stupid. But it isn't. You are smiling right now, right? Now was that so hard? I know you can't be lying to me...Umesmile?

I know...it felt good. And if you were happy even before choosing to read this paragraph, i'm sure it kinda felt refreshing. Yes, this is me sharing my smile with you. Because, I am so grateful for you. If it wasn't for you then my blog would've been useless.

Well again, this is not goodbye. This is me going to the abyss to overthrow it and create a way out. Because if lil miss Blvck can stop feeling like a worthless person, then you can also step out of depression. And i am going to be there walking with you. And let's make our lives into movies. I know I'm ready for the final stage to heading into my happy ending.

Confused...of course I can write positive. Besides it's not always raining, rainbows are pretty too. And they come between the sun and the rain. That feeling of assurance. You have it all under control. All you can do for me now, is spend the rest of your day happy. Be happy...

CONVERSATIONS IN THE DARK

So my  main characters are my demons and I.

My demons: Hi Blvck. I've always liked that name. It makes, you and I blend. Catch my drift?

Blvck: Oh no!? :/ What do you want now!??

My demons: Oh Blvck darlings you don't have to look so sad. I thought you were used to me by now. Because, you know, you kinda suck.

Blvck: I know I do but I don't need you to remind me every single day.

My demons: oh come on honey you know this is exactly how it is. You know that you just cant keep your mind off things. You always bounce back when you see me. You kinda like it here...

Blvck: Come on! You think I like it here. You see I don't know if  something is messing with my head or not. I dont know I'm gonna be alive that long. But choosing to live like this. You think it's a choice and I admire you for that. Because you are what is eating me up.

My demons: come on. I'm sure you're used to it. I kinda like you like this. You know... pathetic and sad. And it's alarming because I just got you from a wonderful night. You had the chance to share your problems. You had the chance to be happy but I ate you didn't I!!

Blvck: I wish you didn't create the hvrt in me. But you're right about one thing. I lost a chance. But I bet I'm gonna create it again. Bet!!!!

My demons: Oh please honey, you???? You mean YOU... HAHA oh Lord you're being serious. You need to get a hold of the situation. You fuck up. Big time. So many times. You have no idea how many people pity you from a distance. Hell you don't even look that ideal.

Blvck: Will you fucking shut upppppp!!!!!!!

My demons: Guess you should do us all a favour and kill yourself!!! I mean what good is it that you got to offer. What!!???? A kind heart. What??? Generosity....or what is it???!! Huh??? FORGIVENESS!!! Haha bitch you must be crazy. Hell you're listening to me. You're a fucked up person.

Blvck: Listen here bitch it's not like I don't know. It's  just, sometimes...

My demons: Apapap... nah honey...no more excuses. You're just a sorry ass bitch who needs to learn when to give up. You need to let go!!! You're worthless. Take a chill and a pill or 2. You need to loosen up. Maybe try 10 and sleep for eternity.

Blvck: Will you please leave me alone???? I'm tired...