SURVIVOR

Can we just...
breath for a minute.
Experience... is a teacher... but it's not the best teacher because that would mean I deserved it. Being strong at a young age was something I needed to be. Being someone who feels instant emotion. Being someone who kills the emotion instantly. Being alive. Because being alive helps maintain the sanity. Not for you though. For all the others.
You know having to see your heart torn to pieces makes you yearn for it. See a bully and instead of retreating... you listen to it bark and watch it  bite and all you can do is stay still. To survive... you need to survive.
I believe in the funny side of seeing it all... but you should never wish to see it all...especially not in the centre. Feeling used. Like the tool and the fool you became because they said... maybe, you came. Then in rushes the storm.
You see how you jump a hurdle and land in quick sand. Then luckily a hand pulls you out then you slide off into a big pile of sharp rocks. That's how it is being a survivor.  Because the energy to fight is put into the energy to survive.
I was never born to be hostile. Hostility was my biggest fear and now I just welcome it. Why? Because... hostility gets you a name. Not a frame. Being the girl who's getting judged like the paintings in an art gallery. Some find you okay but others think you were spat out and 1 out of 10 times they are right. Are you that 1????
But surviving means one day they will realise that you stopped caring and thats when they will believe the insults hurled at you like hot rocks on a burning body, killed you. Well not physically because your heart is beating... but because you quit caring. You stopped wondering and you just let things be without feeling any kind of fear.
Surviving isn't nice though. Its colourful I'll give you that because you always get those 20 people reminding you how strong you are. But tbh...I don't like hearing those words. You're strong. I don't wanna be strong honey...I want that shoulder to cry on when the world feels heavy...not some suppressed log in the throat and going to bed on sedatives. Because of the headache that's killing you.
But surviving is important if it's your only option. At least you finally get to breath when you stay away from the bullshit. And find awesome people to complement your not so perfect life. Damn... I would've wrote lie. But like they say ...fake it till you make it.
 Puff the smoke... down the shots... dance it off... sing it out... dread the tears...drown the fears... kill the essence... make it flawless and just be yourself. Because you never left you at any point...and most importantly because you survived.